Asher's Birth Story

I have felt a sense of accomplishment with several small and big things in my life. A couple big accomplishments that stick out in my mind are when I received my black belt in Tae Kwon Do and when I was able to receive my bachelor degree from MNU in 3 years. Both of those accomplishments took a lot of time and commitment, but none of those compare to the sense of accomplishment I have felt after my two natural deliveries...especially Asher's.

Asher has been the easiest newborn I have ever known. He is the happiest most content baby, and I am just in love with him. Even though I have had it "easy" since he has been born, his labor was quite the opposite.

As my second natural delivery I felt a little prepared for what I was in for. I knew the strength and determination I would need to accomplish another natural delivery. I knew that labor brings you to a new point emotionally and physically that you never knew was possible.

The two days prior to Asher's birth I had several hours of false labor. I had contractions that were around 8 minutes apart and intense enough I had to breathe through them. Then, after several hours they would just stop. This was my first experience with false labor, and it caused me to only get about 3 hours of sleep the 2 nights prior to his birth.

The night I went into actual labor I slept for about 4 hours and then woke up with contractions again. At this point I doubted that it was real based on the past 2 nights. After 4 hours of contractions consistently 6 to 8 minutes apart I woke up Michael thinking this was maybe the real thing. We decided to call my midwife, and she wanted us to come in to be monitored and checked since we live 45 minutes away from the hospital.

Around 5 in the morning we headed for the hospital. Contractions continued until we got to the hospital and then they stopped again. We went ahead and went inside. They checked me and the nurse didn't think I was in labor. She called our midwife, and our midwife wanted me to stay there until she was able to come in and check me. Throughout the next hour of waiting for our midwife I started having contractions again every 6 minutes. In the hour of waiting I dilated 2 more centimeters. She thought I was in labor, and I was admitted.   

I decided to get in the whirlpool tub to labor for a while. I was so tired from the lack of sleep and the idea of relaxing in the tub sounded great. I spent the next 4 hours in the tub with consistent contractions. I decided to get out to change it up a bit since nothing was getting more intense. I got checked and I was only dilated to a 6, which is only 2 centimeters in 4 hours. My contractions also stopped... again. I was not prepared for this at all since my entire labor with Eli was only 5 1/2 hours from my very 1st contraction.

Since it had already been over 11 hours of labor with not much progress we decided to break my water. I was nervous about where this could possibly lead if my labor decided to stop again, but since I was at a 6 we decided to take the risk.

After my water broke things started picking up fast. I quickly went to the transition phase. Everything seemed to be going normal. Intense, but normal, until my back pain started and never stopped.

Throughout labor Asher continued to change positions. He never got fully engaged until this point and unfortunately he was posterior. The intense transition contractions continued to come and go, but the pain in my tailbone never left until he turned as he came out. It got so intense that I asked for pain medicine. I knew I didn't want it, but at the time all I could think about was relief and holding my baby. My midwife and nurse knew I didn't want the pain medicine and sort of stalled until it was too late for me to get it anyways. I'm so thankful I didn't get anything! Before I knew it I felt the urge to push. I was soooooooooooo happy and relieved to have this sensation. I knew at this point it would only be moments before my sweet boy was in my arms.

Even though he was posterior I only pushed for 6 minutes. The midwife had talked to Michael prior and she let him catch the baby. This was exciting for him. It was such an emotional experience to finally get to hold my baby boy!

Since my labor was so long I had time to actually think (unlike Eli's fast labor), and as I took deep breaths to get through the contractions I was constantly visualizing and dwelling on holding my little Asher. So when the time finally came hours later it was almost surreal. I didn't want to ever let him go!

I love my sweet Asher more than words can describe. He is more than worth every pain I went through in his labor. I'm beyond thankful that God blessed us with this precious baby boy!

Overcoming Discouragement

As many know, we have had a tough couple year. We have now lived with Michael's parents for almost a full year, and unfortunately there is no end in sight. This is an extremely hard reality to face. We are very thankful for this living option and his parents opening their home to our family, but it is still less than ideal.

There are many days I crave and ache to be just with our family, to not have to wait until we're in private to discuss something with Michael, and to run the house and always do things how I would do them. This is not anyone's fault, it is simply the situation we are in, and it's just plain hard!

Both Michael and I have a lot of days where we feel positive and content with where God has us and then there are days we are just done and want to give up. Thankfully, these are usually at different times and we are able to encourage and uplift each other when needed.

Well the last couple weeks have been very emotionally difficult, and I'm sure my pregnancy hormones effects some of it (at least how much I cry). Michael's been denied more jobs we were hopeful for him to get that would provide enough for us to live on our own. Each denial gets harder and harder to accept, and I often have feelings of hopelessness of ever being on our own again.

As I was crying to Michael about a week ago about all of these difficult emotions I'm dealing with he gave me some really great advice, which has made this week more bearable. I explained to him that I'm struggling with my thoughts. I'll be OK one minute, and then the next minute I have a thought of "I want to move out so bad." or "I wan more time with just our family." "Why won't God provide a job for Michael that pays enough for us to move out?"

He encouraged me to memorize a verse that we have reminded each other of several times this past year. Philippians 4:8, "And now, dear brother and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Then, repeat the verse in my head when negative, not helpful, discouraging thoughts pop into my head.

I have been doing this and what a positive difference it has made! I still have lots of random thoughts and some days are better than others, but this new plan of how to handle the emotions actually seems possible. One thought at a time.

I have also accepted that it is OK to have bad days. It's OK to cry sometimes, and it's OK for us to have a deep desire to live on our own. However, that doesn't mean we need to dwell on the fact that we don't all day long. That isn't going to benefit anyone.

If you're struggling with your thoughts over a certain struggle I would encourage you to memorize this verse or another verse that uplifts and encourages you to spend more time dwelling on Him. After all, I truly believe and trust that His plan is perfect and His timing is not an accident. 

My Hands Are Full

Yesterday I went out with the kids in public by myself. We went to a doctor appointment for the baby, toured the birthing center at the hospital, went to lunch and picked up some stuff at Walmart before heading home. I now just expect strangers to make comments since there hasn't been one outing alone with the kids and when I'm visibly pregnant that someone hasn't made a comment. Every. Single. Time.

On the way into town yesterday I decided to count how many comments/what comments were made. Throughout our little half-day excursion we received six "Boy, your hands are full!" two "Are they all yours?" and one "Your children are just so sweet and cute." We also received lots of looks and finger pointing in between those comments as well.

I started dwelling on the number one comment made, and it made me think about a couple things. First, society has really changed in what they view as a "large" family. I know and understand that our God-given desire to have several children is not typical, and I don't expect everyone to have that same desire. However, I guess I never thought 4 children as a lot. It made me think about what is in store as we have more children.

Wasn't it just 2 generations ago that families had 4,5, 6 or more children and that was normal? It's crazy to me how quickly this norm has had a complete change in a relative quick amount of time. Just an observation.

I don't know why, but my second thought was, why are my hands all of a sudden full but weren't full when I had only 1 child? I don't remember feeling any less busy or having anymore free time when it was just Isaiah.

I'm convinced that while I might have different experiences with soon having 4 kids under 3 1/2 that someone with 1 child has their hands just as full. Weather a mom has 1 child or 10 children they are still a mom 100% of the time. They devote everything they have and all the love they have to all of their children all of the time.

So, I would say to a mom with 1, 2 or 9 children that your "hands are full." Being a mom is a lot of work, but it is also the greatest blessing I have ever had. As those in public will probably never stop making comments to our "large" family (especially as we hopefully have more children) I hope to express to the strangers I meet and to the little eyes of my babies looking at me that each and every child that God has given us is a blessing and I couldn't imagine having my "hands full" with anything else! Bless all you mama's with your "hands full!"

Healing Has Begun

This past weekend we went to the Kansas City area (our old home). It was the first time we had been there as a family since the week of Christmas. We had a great time with family and celebrating my cousin's high school graduation.

However, the week of Christmas was really hard for us. We had a lot of anxiety about being back in the area and wishing so badly that we could just go "home." It was a strange feeling, and it made us realize we still had not dealt with or healed from the emotions of losing our house. All of this happening during a week that is supposed to be a lot of fun. We felt an immense amount of pressure to just go through the motions and act happy and like everything was fine.... to be in the holiday spirit.

In reality, we didn't feel it. If we could have gone to a cabin with just our little family for the week and never leave we would have done that in a second. However, I don't think our families would have allowed that. We were blessed to have a little alone family time (which doesn't happen much at all since we live with family and are always around family). One of our friends let us stay at their house for the week, but we were still busy and expected to be everywhere all at once with a smile. We did our best to make everyone happy with how we spent our time, but I felt like I just wanted to cry all week long. Christmas is normally my favorite time of the year, and I hated feeling so down. Michael felt many of the same emotions I was feeling.

When we left I felt a little relief not being in the same area where we used to live. Well, this past weekend was different and I'm so glad! I realized we have come a long ways in letting go of what we used to have. I only felt a sense of anxiety and nervousness when I drove to the actual town we used to live in. Emotions and feelings of "I wish I was driving to our old house because it's home again." I thought about driving by our old house since I was really close to the area, but I decided I wasn't quite ready for that. I knew tears would start that I didn't want to start.

It's exciting and encouraging to me to feel like we are making progress in healing from losing our home and business. I know that we will be OK if I never step foot in our old house again. We will be OK if we end up living in Iowa, Kansas or anywhere else. We will be OK if we don't move out next week even though we desperately desire that. Our identity doesn't come from where we live, what we have or what job Michael has. We are children of God. Period.

I know we still have emotions to work through, but isn't God so good! He can heal our broken hearts, and I know we wouldn't be where we are emotionally if it wasn't for Him!

Easily Offended?

A couple years ago I really struggled with being easily offended by others and their actions. It is something I realized and knew needed to be worked on. I have noticed myself not being offended anymore from events/actions/words that would have offended me in the past, and it's awesome!

I have a feeling that I am not the only one who has struggled with this, and I think women tend to struggle with it more than men. One reason women struggle with this more than men is because we talk A LOT more than men. We've all heard the statistics regarding this. Well, when we talk a lot, we are about to hurt and offend others. "When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable," Proverbs 10:19

As I thought about what I was taking offense to I realized that it was me being selfish and others were not meaning to offend me. When my husband first lost his job several people contacted him, wrote him kind letters that they are praying for him, etc. and it hurt me.

Why would this hurt me? It hurt because I felt forgotten. I felt like I should not struggle with my emotions like I was, I should always be the strong positive one, I should support him and I should pray for him. I did my best to do all of these things, but I felt like no one cared about how I felt or the emotions I was experiencing as the wife/mom in the situation. I heard comments over and over again like “How is Michael doing? I’ve been praying for him a lot.” to many times to count. When my husband received kind letters I couldn’t even read them because all I could think about was how no one cared about ME.

Noticed how much I focused on ME in the above paragraph. We're naturally selfish beings and think about our own emotions over others. I have always had God and a loving husband with a willing ear, which is more than many people have. I started thinking about why this was affecting me so much, and I decided that I need to make a choice to change. No one else needed to change. As I think about everyone that has supported my husband it is overwhelming, and if I was in their shoes (not having gone through the same situation as us) I would have asked about the husband and not the wife. I know all of the letters, emails and calls were loving people who sincerely cared for our family. I know no one intentionally thought I should be able to handle it all without support. When I actually thought about it that way my heart started to change.

Then, I heard a sermon a while ago where a lady discussed women being easily offended, and how we need to work on it. She said,“99% of the time people do not say or do things to intentionally hurt us. Most of the time words are just words and actions are just actions, we are the ones that chose to take offense to those words and actions.” I’ve never heard it said so plainly and simply, but the more I’ve thought about it I’ve realized how true that statement is!

I know I’ve offended people of whom I had no intention of offending. It’s easy to think how someone is intentionally doing something to hurt you, but when you ponder on it you realize that they probably are just not thinking about how what they say/do could hurt you. I (and I'm sure you as well) don't sit around thinking or words to say or actions to do to hurt someone. Of course there are people that do purposefully hurt others, but it's definitely not the norm.

I think the first step to not being easily offended is to change your way of thinking. Don’t dwell of what others have done to hurt you instead…

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

I challenge you to think about anyone or anything that easily offends you and try to change your way of thinking. Think about what is pure, and not what is evil. I believe the devil tempts us to be offended. Since I have changed my way of thinking I have experienced more joy in my heart. Remember, taking offense only hurts you. It can affect every area of your live including your intimacy with God and your husband. When I am tempted to feel offended I pray that God will take those feelings away from my heart. I think about how the person was not intentionally trying to hurt me. The more I practice this the easier it seems gets.

2 Corinthians 12:10, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Colossians 3 12-14, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Struggle Series - Part 5

Read part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4.

For the first time in my entire life, I'm depressed. There, I said it. I have not told anyone, besides Michael. Well, actually, Michael told me this. He knows me better than anyone and he was concerned for me.

I always had an understanding that depression means you have bad/negative thoughts about yourself or someone else. I don't have this, so I was not willing to admit that anything was wrong. Michael asked me if I would take a depression test that he found online for free. I tested high for two different types of depression. Both of the types are most common for women. My depression is situational and I have no doubt that I can overcome it.

What does depression look like for me? The best way to describe it is that I'm really down/sad a lot (privately). This is not common for my personality. I smile a lot and don't cry much. Well, I still smile a lot (especially in front of others), but then I experience moment's of sadness that are overwhelming. I'll cry at night for no apparent reason. Michael asks me what's wrong as this is not normal and I have no answer to give. Sure, I can contribute some to pregnancy hormones, but it is more than that. I know inside it is more than that. I also have found myself trying to be by myself or exclude myself from certain people or situations. I ask if I can skip church (so not like me) or say that I'll just stay home instead of going with Michael somewhere (again, so not like me).

What am I going to do about it? Well, I'm not going to take medicine. I don't want to get into a conversation about this, but I think depression medicine is highly over prescribed like many other medicines in America. Another reason is that I'm pregnant and especially don't like to take anything when I'm pregnant. Also, I know that because it is situational that it is something I will be able to overcome with time.

I did some research on natural remedies and throughout the last month I have felt better doing. First, I take Vitamin D supplements. I live in a basement, and I know that I am deficient in Vitamin D because of this and not being outside much because of the weather. This has made a BIG difference. Women (especially) don't handle Vitamin D deficiencies well.

I feel better when I stay busy and have a schedule. We discussed ideas to help me accomplish this, and this has made the biggest difference. I have cleaning, laundry and personal devotional goals everyday.  

Third, I have drawn closer to God. I spend more time reading my Bible and part of an encouraging book daily. I keep them out and close so I see my Bible and book several times a day to remind me to take time to read. Jesus said, "Seek first my kingdom and my righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Mathew 6:33). I have also found comfort in Mathew 11:28, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Fourth, I have limited my time on the computer, and I do well most days. I started to write again (first writing this series). Writing is a good outlet for me. Like most women, I think a lot. Whenever I get my thoughts in writing I am able to release them better.

I also try hard to focus on positive thoughts and surround myself with positive people. I try to avoid conversations and people that are negative. While it used to not bother me as much I have noticed that negative comments really get to me during this time and cause me to work much harder at not feeling really down. I have been dwelling on these two verses a lot recently.

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Ephesians 4:29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Then, Michael was rejected a few jobs that I had my heart set on. This news was devastating, and I admittedly didn't handle it as I should. It was a learning time for us and our faith...

Struggle Series - Part 4

Read part 1, part 2 and part 3.

I felt a contraction for the first time ever. Yes, this was my second child to give birth to, but I never felt a contraction with Isaiah. I was induced with Isaiah and he was sunny-side up. Oh, the never ending back pain blocked out any contraction I might of had before my epidural.

I was taken back by this feeling, and Michael and I both had a laugh about the timing. My due date was in 5 days, and we had both prayed that Eli would not come until after Java Cone was closed. Well, he listened but sure didn't wait long. 5 1/2 hours later our precious little Elijah was here. It was very easy to forget about any worries in the world when I had this precious newborn in my arms. We had an amazing home birth experience, and I am beyond thankful that my labor/delivery couldn't have gone better.

We were able to escape reality for a little while but within a week we were packing up our house to move to my in-laws house. We showed the house to potential renters when Eli was just 2 weeks old, and our house was rented within a week of putting a sign in the yard (to prior Java Cone customers).

I felt throughout the next 6 weeks before we moved that we were just going through the motions. If I stopped and thought about leaving the house we loved and how the more we packed the more I felt like this was no longer our home I would lose it. Of course, I had some break downs, but for the most part we were able to hold it together. Michael has a very one-track mind, so it was his mission to get Java Cone stuff packed and done with and get the house packed. It was a blessing to him to have so much to keep him occupied.

It has now been 8 months since I have been in our house, and it's still very hard for me to think about. I don't know that I will be able to fully get past it until we have a place that we can really call home and feels like home. We have felt like we are in a constant state of visiting family, but we never have the feeling of going home or time alone with just our family. We call it home for our kids sake, but it doesn't feel like our home (as it's not and shouldn't be). We are thankful that we have family to stay with, but regardless we are living with my in-law's or visiting my mom, but we never feel like we're home (this is not our parents doing. It is their home and they should be able to make any decision regarding their home or give opinions about what we do. Just want to make that clear. We have no desire to control these houses).

 

It's very hard to trust God that this is His will for our family for a season. As someone that loves to host and takes a lot of pride in our house this has been especially hard. I do best when I go one day at a time, but there some days that are still very hard. A day doesn't go buy that I don't dream of having our own place. Michael was laughing about imagining when we do move out. Wherever we move to will most likely be really small and simple. I'll be so excited as people help us move that someone will think we won the lottery. Then, we'll get to our destination and those helping us will think, "You're excited about THIS?" Oh, yes I will be! :) I don't think anyone can truly understand the emotions and desires of living on your own until you have actually experienced it as it's 10x harder than I imagined it in my head prior to experiencing it.

About a month after moving here Michael was blessed to have a temp job doing construction work. We are incredibly thankful for this job. It was such a blessing. Michael just recently got offered a job to manage and start a coffee shop for a non-profit organization. We are very thankful for this job. While it pays well over minimum wage it still does not pay enough for us to move out and be on our own (thanks to our lovely student loans). This has been just as much of a goal as Michael finding a job, so this has been hard to accept this. While Michael has something in the meantime this job search is still not over. We both do feel, however, that God has given him this job for a reason. We're not for sure why yet (maybe just to help him get another job or maybe to sell our coffee equipment!), but the puzzle pieces for him to get this job that just fell into his lap is to much for me to believe it's just a coincidence.

It's been a trying time as we ask God, "Why?" We heard an awesome sermon late last year about peace. The pastor described peace not as an absence of anything (fear, lack of money, worry, anger, guilt, etc.). Instead, peace is the presence of Jesus. The closer we draw closer to God the more peace we will have in our lives.

Even though we know and believe God's promises, we struggle often with feeling that there is hope and to chose joy in our circumstances. Within the last couple months, after research, I was finally able to make a confession that I didn't want to make with everything in me.