Struggle Series - Part 2

You can read part 1 here.

It was a struggle month to month to know if we were going to have enough money to make ends meet in the business and at home. This financial burden was overwhelming. It was hard because we felt like we had no one to talk to about it, and who would want to hear about our financial struggles anyways?

Somehow, by the grace of God, we were always able to make ends meet at home and at the business. It still doesn't make sense how we were able to do this as my income (the only income) was $1500 short each month for what we needed to provide for our family and pay all the bills. Many different situations happened to help us make ends meet. We were very discouraged, but still felt that God was with us and guiding us through.

I worked until the end of April when I lost my job. My home life was beyond stressful, and my job could tell. The most stressful part (besides finances) was child care for our children. This stress well surpassed the financial stress we had. In fact, I'm having anxiety as I'm writing this. I don't know if it's a stress you can understand until you go through it. We had different family member's and friends that were watching our children, as child care was not an option financially. We were thankful for these options, but it was always a different person watching our kids everyday and most of them were not reliable.

Many, many times we would get a call or text at 10 or 11 at night saying that they could not watch our kids the next day. I missed many days of work and sometimes Michael had to quickly reschedule people at Java Cone so someone could be home with the kids. I also was always constantly worried about them. I cried a lot, and I wanted more than anything to just be able to take care of my OWN children, as God intended mommy's to do.

The stress was so high on me and Michael. Michael actually got prescribed some anxiety medicine. I never took anything because I resist taking medicine in general and because I was pregnant. I often worried that the stress would hurt the baby, which made me stress more. We also stressed about feeling judged from others not in our situation.

This was a never ending cycle that took a toll on our health, I'm sure our internal age, our marriage, our spiritual life and so much more. I always felt on edge and if one person said one thing to hurt me I would just break down and cry.

Michael and I would both be lying if we said that we didn't both felt a sense of relief when I lost my job. Yes, this made the financial burden that much more, but it took away the more intense burden of who is going to be watching our children and taking care of the house. Words can not describe how good it felt to not have to depend on anyone to care for our children, and I was able to easily keep up on house work and cook healthy meals for me and the kids. This was still a tough time, but I felt a huge cloud lifted. Michael was able to focus more on Java Cone, instead of home, and we both felt more joy in our lives.

We sure missed daddy since we usually only saw him on Sunday's and when we would go visit him everyday at Java Cone. I was now in my third trimester and thinking more and more about the new little guy about to join the family.

This was a very lonely time for me. I had the kids, but I didn't really have many friends besides them. When others are going through a struggle like we are it almost feels like we have a plague. I don't know if others just didn't know how to talk to someone going through a tough time, or if they didn't know anything free to do. It wasn't an option to go out with friends for dinner like we used to. Throughout all of these months only one of our friends invited us over for dinner. Unfortunately I probably would have acted the same way to someone prior to going through this. One of the many things I have learned through all of this is how to interact with those who are struggling. They don't want to have a pity party, they don't want to talk about their struggles, they don't want you to fix all their problems. No, they just want you to be there and be a friend. To talk about anything BUT the business. A simple, "I'm sorry you have to go through what you are going through" then dropping it is enough... at least for me.

I really had to learn to depend on God, and that my identity comes through Him. Oh, how hard this was but somehow we persevered. I kept many emotions in as I wasn't wanting a pity party and I didn't know how to really express them at the time.

Two weeks before Elijah was born Michael and I knew that we needed to have a very, very serious conversation.