Struggle Series - Part 4

Read part 1, part 2 and part 3.

I felt a contraction for the first time ever. Yes, this was my second child to give birth to, but I never felt a contraction with Isaiah. I was induced with Isaiah and he was sunny-side up. Oh, the never ending back pain blocked out any contraction I might of had before my epidural.

I was taken back by this feeling, and Michael and I both had a laugh about the timing. My due date was in 5 days, and we had both prayed that Eli would not come until after Java Cone was closed. Well, he listened but sure didn't wait long. 5 1/2 hours later our precious little Elijah was here. It was very easy to forget about any worries in the world when I had this precious newborn in my arms. We had an amazing home birth experience, and I am beyond thankful that my labor/delivery couldn't have gone better.

We were able to escape reality for a little while but within a week we were packing up our house to move to my in-laws house. We showed the house to potential renters when Eli was just 2 weeks old, and our house was rented within a week of putting a sign in the yard (to prior Java Cone customers).

I felt throughout the next 6 weeks before we moved that we were just going through the motions. If I stopped and thought about leaving the house we loved and how the more we packed the more I felt like this was no longer our home I would lose it. Of course, I had some break downs, but for the most part we were able to hold it together. Michael has a very one-track mind, so it was his mission to get Java Cone stuff packed and done with and get the house packed. It was a blessing to him to have so much to keep him occupied.

It has now been 8 months since I have been in our house, and it's still very hard for me to think about. I don't know that I will be able to fully get past it until we have a place that we can really call home and feels like home. We have felt like we are in a constant state of visiting family, but we never have the feeling of going home or time alone with just our family. We call it home for our kids sake, but it doesn't feel like our home (as it's not and shouldn't be). We are thankful that we have family to stay with, but regardless we are living with my in-law's or visiting my mom, but we never feel like we're home (this is not our parents doing. It is their home and they should be able to make any decision regarding their home or give opinions about what we do. Just want to make that clear. We have no desire to control these houses).

 

It's very hard to trust God that this is His will for our family for a season. As someone that loves to host and takes a lot of pride in our house this has been especially hard. I do best when I go one day at a time, but there some days that are still very hard. A day doesn't go buy that I don't dream of having our own place. Michael was laughing about imagining when we do move out. Wherever we move to will most likely be really small and simple. I'll be so excited as people help us move that someone will think we won the lottery. Then, we'll get to our destination and those helping us will think, "You're excited about THIS?" Oh, yes I will be! :) I don't think anyone can truly understand the emotions and desires of living on your own until you have actually experienced it as it's 10x harder than I imagined it in my head prior to experiencing it.

About a month after moving here Michael was blessed to have a temp job doing construction work. We are incredibly thankful for this job. It was such a blessing. Michael just recently got offered a job to manage and start a coffee shop for a non-profit organization. We are very thankful for this job. While it pays well over minimum wage it still does not pay enough for us to move out and be on our own (thanks to our lovely student loans). This has been just as much of a goal as Michael finding a job, so this has been hard to accept this. While Michael has something in the meantime this job search is still not over. We both do feel, however, that God has given him this job for a reason. We're not for sure why yet (maybe just to help him get another job or maybe to sell our coffee equipment!), but the puzzle pieces for him to get this job that just fell into his lap is to much for me to believe it's just a coincidence.

It's been a trying time as we ask God, "Why?" We heard an awesome sermon late last year about peace. The pastor described peace not as an absence of anything (fear, lack of money, worry, anger, guilt, etc.). Instead, peace is the presence of Jesus. The closer we draw closer to God the more peace we will have in our lives.

Even though we know and believe God's promises, we struggle often with feeling that there is hope and to chose joy in our circumstances. Within the last couple months, after research, I was finally able to make a confession that I didn't want to make with everything in me.