Surrogate Journey - The Birth

Titus 1 Month Old

As I sit down to write I instantly have a hard time finding the right words. There have been so many times the last couple months where I can't even formulate my thoughts because the words are just not there. It's like the words to describe and explain this process do not even exist. Nevertheless, I'm going to attempt to translate this experience into words while it is still fresh in my mind.

The Birth Story

I believe Titus' birth story starts back to when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Titus dropped and I started having signs that labor was near. Ben, Micki and Olivia came to stay in town until Titus was born. They didn't want to miss anything, and I didn't want them to miss anything either. I had a lot of anxiety about my labor going too fast for them to make it. We went to my 38 week appointment and I was dilated to a 4 and 50% thinned/effaced. We were so excited and hopeful he would be here soon. However, Titus had other plans.

Mr. Titus decided he was warm and comfy in there. He was definitely not on the same time frame we

38 Weeks

were. ;) At 36 weeks we had an ultrasound, which showed that Titus was a big boy. The doctor said that if I went full-term he would be around 9lbs. He brought up inducing at 39 weeks, and I declined as I really wanted minimal interventions to reduce the likelihood of a c-section.

Our doctor did not want me to go past 41 weeks, so we agreed to an induction after the 40 week mark. Ben and Micki were so great at giving me the freedom to make this decision. Although we were all very ready, I never felt any pressure from them to induce just for convenience. This meant so much to me! They only wanted me to do what I was fully comfortable with doing.

I never thought we would make it do the induction date, but we did! Getting ready to head to the hospital to be induced was a very surreal feeling. I felt at peace with being induced and Michael kept giving me the confidence that I can do this, again. Even though this was my 4th time to give birth I was nervous about having to go through labor again. I know that it takes all the strength I have and then some, and I wasn't necessarily looking forward to that.

The doctor broke my water around 8 in the morning on June 9th. After being on the monitors for a little while I got up to start walking the halls. We walked, walked and walked some more with no contractions. At 11 we agreed to start a small dose of pitocin. I started having noticeable, timed contractions around noon. I tried sitting on a birthing ball for a while but I didn't like it. We walked the halls again and the contractions kept coming. We weren't timing them, but I could tell by the intensity that things were progressing well.

Walking the halls

The contractions were getting stronger and stronger. It seemed like each contraction was a bit harder to breath through and my walking was more like a super slow stroll. Micki never left my side, which meant so much. I don't need or want a lot of coaching as I'm breathing through contractions, but being supported and loved just by her presence was very encouraging to me.

Walking was getting to be too much so we went back to our room and I sat on the birthing ball again. After a couple of very strong contractions on the ball the nurse asked if I wanted to be checked. I agreed and got in bed around 3. I was at an 8! I was shocked and knew that if I was already at an 8 that labor would be very soon. Our nurse didn't quite believe us because she said the last phase is usually around a hour and they won't call the doctor until I'm at a 10. I don't think I said anything, but I remember thinking if he's not called until I'm at a 10 then he's going to miss it!

This is where the whole process becomes very blurry in my mind. I'm really not sure what I said, sounded like or did those last 30 minutes. The second contraction I felt after being told I was an 8, I started having the urge to push. I told the nurse and she checked me again. I went from an 8 to a 9 1/2 in 10 minutes! She finally decided it was time to call the doctor.

Sometime in the next 20 minutes precious little (or not so little) Titus was born at 3:35 pm and was 9lbs 3oz. The end is very blurry in my mind, but I remember saying to myself over and over and over again, "Lord, give me strength." Each labor I have had a different focus to get me through the hard part, but I completely believe the Lord did give me strength to get through labor and delivery. I remember getting to a point where I was done and was determined that the next contraction he would be born...and he was!

I'm so thankful for an amazing labor and delivery. It was my shortest labor and the pain was very manageable in my mind. I'm thankful to have given birth at a hospital that respected our wishes and for a very encouraging nurse that allowed me to walk the halls ev

1st time holding Titus

en after my water was broke and I had Pitocin. I'm also very thankful for another vaginal birth!

The moments after the birth I will treasure forever! Seeing the love and adoration in Ben and Micki's face of their son was priceless. THIS is the moment we have all been waiting for and the reason I decided to become a surrogate. Knowing I played a part in another perfect blessing from God entering the world gave me an overwhelming sense of achievement. The love only parents can have for their children was instant for them, and I'm so grateful I got to experience that! Titus has been such a good baby from the beginning. It's like he knew instantly who his mommy and daddy are!
 

These are two questions I have been asked over and over again.

Will you be a surrogate again? I didn't know how to answer this questions before birth, and I still don't know how to answer it. I have healed extremely well physically from birth, and I am doing amazing emotionally. I would do this again for Ben and Micki in a second, but I'm not sure if we will ever go through the agency and meet another family to do it again.

Yes, I was paid for being a surrogate. This was definitely a blessing to our family to get some student loans paid off. However, there is so much more involved than a financial gain. Money comes and goes but the love and relationships gained last a lifetime. Doing this process again would mean opening my heart at a very deep level again for another family. This is not something I did or could do just for the paycheck. I would have to feel a strong feeling to open myself up to another family before I would pursue this again. When I pursued it the 1st time I had a feeling in my heart that just wouldn't go away. I would need to have that same feeling again, and I can't know if that will happen again or not.
 

Excited to get labor going!

How did you handle "giving up" Titus? Confession time. I know anyone that has asked me this question means well, but I really can't stand when I am asked this. It rubs me the wrong way because I never "gave up" anything. Titus never has been, never was and never will be mine to give up.

I never once felt like I was leaving a part of me behind, which I am so grateful for. Throughout the whole pregnancy and since birth I have never once felt like Titus was my child or that I "gave up" something. The possible attachment I would feel was originally a fear of mine going into this process, but it has never been an issue. I have missed being pregnant at times (especially in the 1st two weeks), but I never felt or feel like Titus is a part of me. He is 100% Ben and and Micki's. I love him, but it is not the same type of love you have for your own children. The only way I have been able to describe it is that I love Titus as if he were my nephew.

Ben and Micki have been so great througout the whole process. I've always felt loved and cared for by them. Micki has told me several times she is there for me as we make this transition. I have been able to open up with whatever my emotions are with Michael and Micki, which has meant so much! Micki will send me pictures when I'm missing T-man, and they have lovingly welcomed me into their home twice since he has been born. I completely believe all the support has helped this transition go amazingly well. 

The hardest part for me emotionally in this process was when we left the hospital. It was the first moment of true separation from Titus after having the privilege to care for him for nine months. It was a very bitter sweet time for me. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy for Ben and Micki, fear of the unknown and separation, a sense of pride for what I was a part of and did, sadness that my part in the process was over and so much love in my heart for this new life God had created. I couldn't process it all so the tears just came as I held Titus one more time and said our goodbyes to Ben and Micki. There really weren't words for any of us to say in that moment to justify the process and what we had all just experienced....

a miracle!