Surrogate Journey - The Birth

Titus 1 Month Old

As I sit down to write I instantly have a hard time finding the right words. There have been so many times the last couple months where I can't even formulate my thoughts because the words are just not there. It's like the words to describe and explain this process do not even exist. Nevertheless, I'm going to attempt to translate this experience into words while it is still fresh in my mind.

The Birth Story

I believe Titus' birth story starts back to when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Titus dropped and I started having signs that labor was near. Ben, Micki and Olivia came to stay in town until Titus was born. They didn't want to miss anything, and I didn't want them to miss anything either. I had a lot of anxiety about my labor going too fast for them to make it. We went to my 38 week appointment and I was dilated to a 4 and 50% thinned/effaced. We were so excited and hopeful he would be here soon. However, Titus had other plans.

Mr. Titus decided he was warm and comfy in there. He was definitely not on the same time frame we

38 Weeks

were. ;) At 36 weeks we had an ultrasound, which showed that Titus was a big boy. The doctor said that if I went full-term he would be around 9lbs. He brought up inducing at 39 weeks, and I declined as I really wanted minimal interventions to reduce the likelihood of a c-section.

Our doctor did not want me to go past 41 weeks, so we agreed to an induction after the 40 week mark. Ben and Micki were so great at giving me the freedom to make this decision. Although we were all very ready, I never felt any pressure from them to induce just for convenience. This meant so much to me! They only wanted me to do what I was fully comfortable with doing.

I never thought we would make it do the induction date, but we did! Getting ready to head to the hospital to be induced was a very surreal feeling. I felt at peace with being induced and Michael kept giving me the confidence that I can do this, again. Even though this was my 4th time to give birth I was nervous about having to go through labor again. I know that it takes all the strength I have and then some, and I wasn't necessarily looking forward to that.

The doctor broke my water around 8 in the morning on June 9th. After being on the monitors for a little while I got up to start walking the halls. We walked, walked and walked some more with no contractions. At 11 we agreed to start a small dose of pitocin. I started having noticeable, timed contractions around noon. I tried sitting on a birthing ball for a while but I didn't like it. We walked the halls again and the contractions kept coming. We weren't timing them, but I could tell by the intensity that things were progressing well.

Walking the halls

The contractions were getting stronger and stronger. It seemed like each contraction was a bit harder to breath through and my walking was more like a super slow stroll. Micki never left my side, which meant so much. I don't need or want a lot of coaching as I'm breathing through contractions, but being supported and loved just by her presence was very encouraging to me.

Walking was getting to be too much so we went back to our room and I sat on the birthing ball again. After a couple of very strong contractions on the ball the nurse asked if I wanted to be checked. I agreed and got in bed around 3. I was at an 8! I was shocked and knew that if I was already at an 8 that labor would be very soon. Our nurse didn't quite believe us because she said the last phase is usually around a hour and they won't call the doctor until I'm at a 10. I don't think I said anything, but I remember thinking if he's not called until I'm at a 10 then he's going to miss it!

This is where the whole process becomes very blurry in my mind. I'm really not sure what I said, sounded like or did those last 30 minutes. The second contraction I felt after being told I was an 8, I started having the urge to push. I told the nurse and she checked me again. I went from an 8 to a 9 1/2 in 10 minutes! She finally decided it was time to call the doctor.

Sometime in the next 20 minutes precious little (or not so little) Titus was born at 3:35 pm and was 9lbs 3oz. The end is very blurry in my mind, but I remember saying to myself over and over and over again, "Lord, give me strength." Each labor I have had a different focus to get me through the hard part, but I completely believe the Lord did give me strength to get through labor and delivery. I remember getting to a point where I was done and was determined that the next contraction he would be born...and he was!

I'm so thankful for an amazing labor and delivery. It was my shortest labor and the pain was very manageable in my mind. I'm thankful to have given birth at a hospital that respected our wishes and for a very encouraging nurse that allowed me to walk the halls ev

1st time holding Titus

en after my water was broke and I had Pitocin. I'm also very thankful for another vaginal birth!

The moments after the birth I will treasure forever! Seeing the love and adoration in Ben and Micki's face of their son was priceless. THIS is the moment we have all been waiting for and the reason I decided to become a surrogate. Knowing I played a part in another perfect blessing from God entering the world gave me an overwhelming sense of achievement. The love only parents can have for their children was instant for them, and I'm so grateful I got to experience that! Titus has been such a good baby from the beginning. It's like he knew instantly who his mommy and daddy are!
 

These are two questions I have been asked over and over again.

Will you be a surrogate again? I didn't know how to answer this questions before birth, and I still don't know how to answer it. I have healed extremely well physically from birth, and I am doing amazing emotionally. I would do this again for Ben and Micki in a second, but I'm not sure if we will ever go through the agency and meet another family to do it again.

Yes, I was paid for being a surrogate. This was definitely a blessing to our family to get some student loans paid off. However, there is so much more involved than a financial gain. Money comes and goes but the love and relationships gained last a lifetime. Doing this process again would mean opening my heart at a very deep level again for another family. This is not something I did or could do just for the paycheck. I would have to feel a strong feeling to open myself up to another family before I would pursue this again. When I pursued it the 1st time I had a feeling in my heart that just wouldn't go away. I would need to have that same feeling again, and I can't know if that will happen again or not.
 

Excited to get labor going!

How did you handle "giving up" Titus? Confession time. I know anyone that has asked me this question means well, but I really can't stand when I am asked this. It rubs me the wrong way because I never "gave up" anything. Titus never has been, never was and never will be mine to give up.

I never once felt like I was leaving a part of me behind, which I am so grateful for. Throughout the whole pregnancy and since birth I have never once felt like Titus was my child or that I "gave up" something. The possible attachment I would feel was originally a fear of mine going into this process, but it has never been an issue. I have missed being pregnant at times (especially in the 1st two weeks), but I never felt or feel like Titus is a part of me. He is 100% Ben and and Micki's. I love him, but it is not the same type of love you have for your own children. The only way I have been able to describe it is that I love Titus as if he were my nephew.

Ben and Micki have been so great througout the whole process. I've always felt loved and cared for by them. Micki has told me several times she is there for me as we make this transition. I have been able to open up with whatever my emotions are with Michael and Micki, which has meant so much! Micki will send me pictures when I'm missing T-man, and they have lovingly welcomed me into their home twice since he has been born. I completely believe all the support has helped this transition go amazingly well. 

The hardest part for me emotionally in this process was when we left the hospital. It was the first moment of true separation from Titus after having the privilege to care for him for nine months. It was a very bitter sweet time for me. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy for Ben and Micki, fear of the unknown and separation, a sense of pride for what I was a part of and did, sadness that my part in the process was over and so much love in my heart for this new life God had created. I couldn't process it all so the tears just came as I held Titus one more time and said our goodbyes to Ben and Micki. There really weren't words for any of us to say in that moment to justify the process and what we had all just experienced....

a miracle!

Top 10 Questions

As we have made the news public about becoming a gestational surrogate I have received several questions. I am an open book about this and I happily answer all of the questions asked. This is becoming more common today but it is still not something everyone is exposed to, so I understand the curiosity that comes with it. I thought I would answer the top 10 questions I get asked (in no particular order).

1. Would you want to be a surrogate again in the future? As I am almost in the middle of my pregnancy a lot of the questions I get asked I just don't know how to answer yet. I haven't lived it fully to know how this will impact me. I can guess, but I don't know for sure. With that, I answer this question with an "I don't know." This process takes a lot emotionally and physically and this is with a perfectly smooth matching, IVF transfer and pregnancy thus far. Going through the 5 months of getting the application done and fully approved was in and of itself draining, so I just don't know if I would go through all of that again. I will leave that up to the Lord's leading. If Ben and Micki were to ask me to be a surrogate again for them I think that would be an easy "yes," but as far as meeting a whole different family I don't know.

2. Do you think it will be difficult to give up the baby after birth?  Well first, I don't look at it as giving something up. I am simply giving back what was never mine to begin with. I just got the honor to care for this little baby for 9 months. My hope is the Micki will be the 1st one to hold the baby. Obviously I will want some baby snuggles, but I don't think I will ever look at it as a handing off. The baby is theirs now and that won't change after birth. Honestly, there is no way I can know what my emotions will be exactly. If I feel like counseling is needed I will happily do that. I know it is important for my husband and children that I am healthy emotionally, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I am. I do expect that I will have separation anxiety the 1st couple weeks but I do believe I am strong enough to do it. The psychologist that we met with to get the final approval recommended to us that we have something to look forward to after the birth. We are planning a trip to Branson and Oklahoma City for a friends wedding about 5 weeks after the birth. I should be mostly healed physically by then and I think looking forward to something will be beneficial emotionally.

3. How will you handle bonding with the baby while you're pregnant? This pregnancy is already so different than when I was carrying my own children. Currently, I don't have that attachment that I had with my children at this point. I forget I am pregnant often because I feel so great and our family is not expecting. I don't have those dreams and thoughts like I have with my own children. I don't have thoughts about the nursery, rearranging rooms, baby names, thoughts about the gender, etc. I know Ben and Micki are feeling all of the excitement expecting parents feel, and I'm so thankful for that! There is no way to not bond with a baby moving inside your body. That time is coming soon, but I still believe it will feel different than carrying my own children. Seeing the joy and excitement this brings to Ben and Micki just melts my heart, and I don't ever doubt that this baby is already so deeply LOVED by their mommy, daddy and older sister!

4. Do you worry how your children will handle it? Both Michael and I are not concerned about this. We welcome any questions they have but there has not been any. I don't believe any questions will come until they get older and we remind them of the experience. This might not be a normal situation, but it is their normal. They take in what we say and fully understand that Michael and I are not the parents of the child growing in my tummy. We don't talk about it a ton in front of them, so it is not a huge deal to them. They love Ben, Micki and Olivia and know that this precious baby is already a part of their family. They know that this baby will never come home with us because it isn't our child or their sibling. After we told them we expected a lot of questions. Their reaction was more like, "Ok, can we go play now?" Lexie was concerned that the baby would have no clothes to wear or place to sleep. I assured her that this baby will want for nothing! Isaiah and Lexie did make a shopping list for Micki so she knows what the baby needs. ;)

5. How did you meet the parents? We went through an agency in Chicago and were matched with Ben and Micki a day after we were officially cleared to be a surrogate. We had no knowledge of each other before this. It has been fun to get to know each other and build a quick relationship. I remember the advocate I have through the agency said that these relationships are unique because "you are entering a very intimate relationship with complete strangers." A lot of barriers come down in a situation like this. They have been so sweet to us and our children!!

6. Will the parents be in the room when the baby is born? Yes. This is something that was discussed in our 1st meeting with a psychologist guiding the conversation. This is one of the topics you need to agree on before entering this type of relationship together. This is both of our desires. They want to be in the room, and I want them there to witness their child being born. Witnessing the birth of your child is indescribable and instantly bonding. I think seeing their reaction will help me emotionally. Also, I want the baby to go straight to Micki, not me. I want there to be instant separation to help me emotionally understand (even when my hormones will be going crazy) that this is in fact not my child. I'm really excited about the birth. I know it will be bittersweet for me, but that is the moment we are all waiting  and planning for!

7. Will you breastfeed? Yes and no. I would never breastfeed a child that is not mine. The bonding that comes with that is to great for me. I have agreed to pump at 1st for them. I want their baby to get all that colostrum and the great immunities that come with it. I think we agreed to 2 weeks, but I'm sure that is something we'll discuss closer to time. My hope is to commit to pump for 6 weeks and have a freezer full of milk to give my own kids in fruit smoothies for the winter sick time or to give to Asher. If it becomes to much of a burden I will stop. I'm not putting any pressure on myself in this area.

8. Will you get an epidural? This question mostly comes from people that know I had my last two births naturally. I had an epidural with my 1st and it was not a good experience. I couldn't stand or walk for several hours, and I was sooooooooo tired! I thought it was normal to be really tired after birth. I couldn't take a shower for 8 hours and I've said before that I don't ever want another epidural. After my two natural births I felt amazing afterwards! I thought I could run a marathon! Those natural endorphins are awesome. However, I don't need to have quite as much energy. After all, I won't have a newborn (yay for sleepless nights Ben and Micki ;)) to take care of and will be able to sleep at night (besides pumping). With all of that my plan is for no epidural, but I do plan to get IV pain meds to take the edge off the transition phase. The more babies I've had the more confidence I have in my body which means less pain. The last hour and half is the most intense part for me, so I'm hoping the IV meds will help with that.

9. How far away do you live from the parents? We currently (and it will be about the same when we move) live about 2 1/2 hours away. Sometimes this seems far, but then I remind myself we could have been matched with anyone in America. They base it on the personalities and desires of the couples and distance is second. I'm so thankful we live in the same state as Ben and Micki! We have seen each other several times already and Micki and I communicate often via text.

10. Is there a contract to protect you? Yes there is a contract. A very, very detailed contract at that. All the topics we had to discuss (and agree on) at our 1st meeting with a psychologist is in there. We each have an attorney to represent us and review the contract before signing. They sure don't miss anything. I think having to discuss the birth plan and then worst case scenario's really opens your eyes to the reality of this situation. While we know a contracted is needed to protect all involved I look at it as another worst case scenario. There hasn't been and don't foresee there being any issues where it would be needed, but it there. We were blessed with great parents to be matched with!! We agreed on all the big issues where it is important to be on the same page!

This process has been so amazing thus far. I have never once doubted if this is something we should have done. Well, maybe a couple times when I was so tired of receiving or giving myself the progesterone shots! ;) Just kidding, those shots were not fun but it's all over now! Ever since we met Ben and Micki I knew that this was the right fit and I was to be the one to carry their child. I completely believe this peace I've had over the last 6 months is from God. Pregnancy, especially the 1st trimester, really messes with your hormones. Even through all of that I've never doubted!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to all of our family and friends that have supported us. We have felt so much love and support about this decision!!

"Children are a blessing and a gift from the LORD." Psalm 127:3

Surrogate Journey - The beginning

The decision to become a gestational surrogate was very intense and purposeful. I remember back in high school having thoughts like, "It would be cool to be a surrogate someday and help an infertile couple bring life into the world." Of course, my thinking ended there. Well, back in October 2013 thoughts of becoming a surrogate kept popping into my mind. Since I have about a thousand thoughts a day I simply went on.

However, after it continued to randomly come up either in conversations with others, books, tv shows, etc. I thought I might actually look into it. I researched gestational surrogacy (this is much different than traditional surrogacy because the child is in no way biologically mine) and found a reputable company based out of Chicago. They work all over the world (although we were not open to international couples because we wanted a closer relationship with the parents).

Michael and I discussed this and prayed A LOT about this possibility. Every time I prayed and every time Michael and I discussed it I could visualize a couple that needed US. I imagined the perfect family with the same personal convictions that would be the perfect match for us. Every time I prayed I felt an indescribable sense of peace regarding this decision.

We proceeded to contact the agency and start the intense application process. One aspect I love about the company we chose is this part. While time consuming, I love that they take the prerequisite work very seriously. They want to make sure they match you with the perfect couple and that you are a strong enough person to go through this very emotional journey.

My biggest fear throughout this whole process has been if this would bring glory to God and what others will think (I know I shouldn't care about what others think). I asked a spiritual mentor her opinion on if this is Biblical, and she was a great support. She did research and agreed that as long as life in not compromised (no abortion or selective reduction) she thought it would be a very selfless act and bring glory to God. We also discussed this with a select few people regarding their thoughts on it and everyone has been very supportive.

From January through May we were in weekly and sometimes daily contact with the agency trying to get everything to them that they needed. In May we were finally approved and the next day we were matched! This was such an exciting day for us! I just cried reading their biography thinking that they will be the perfect match for us.

We met them for the 1st time on June 7th, 2014. This 1st meeting was very structured and with the psychologist that spent the 4 hours prior meeting with me and Michael to make sure we were psychologically healthy to enter this type of a relationship/experience (the intended parents went through the same thing at an earlier date). I was nervous about the meeting.

I was concerned that we wouldn't "click" or agree on the big deal breaker issues. The psychologist led us through a discussion on everything one could think of regarding the conception, pregnancy and birth. I felt that we were all on the same page on every single issue! This was such a relief.

After this meeting we were ready to jump all in, but again it would be more waiting. The contract had to be finished, our attorneys needed to review it and I had to go to the University of Iowa fertility clinic to get my uterus inspected, get testing done and do a mock transfer so the doctors know what to expect the day of transfer.

Going to my first appointment was an exciting day. I felt like we were actually getting somewhere. I got told I have a "beautiful uterus," which made me laugh. I have never been given so much attention from a doctor. I felt like the 2 doctors I had that day had all of the time in the world for me. They wanted to make sure every question I could possibly have was answered.

Micki (the intended mama) came to Iowa City to meet up with me. She took me out to lunch, and it was so great to start building a very intimate relationship with someone I barely know. It was nice to be able to just talk and have it not be as structured as our 1st meeting.

Within the next month we signed the final contract and were in the clear to move forward with the IVF transfer. It took a good month to prep my body for the transfer. I had a take different meds and shots. Then the transfer day finally came.

Oh, what a surreal day this was. On the way to the U of I hospital I was overwhelmed with emotion with what was about to happen. I felt peace and contentment, but I was also scared about what if's. I was scared of losing their baby that is entrusted to me in my body. I could write a whole post about the transfer experience; it was just so special! It was just me and Micki in the room, and it couldn't have gone any more perfect!

While hopeful, we were all on edge as we wait for that positive pregnancy test. It's a 10 day wait before I had an actual doctors appointment, but of course I was taking test much earlier at home. Oh I will never forget that early morning (just 5 days after the transfer) when I was standing there waiting the 2 minutes before looking at the pregnancy test and then seeing not one, but TWO lines! It was positive!!

A God of Miracles

As I think about how visible and active God has been in our lives I am speechless. I'm beyond overwhelmed by God's goodness. As you may know, my husband just accepted a position with US Cellular. What you may not know is how long we have been waiting for this. I'm going to give you a brief, raw and honest look into our lives over the last year from my perspective, and in the end I pray that all the glory goes to Him.

About 18 months ago we made the decision to close down our business, Java Cone. Our journey and experience of Java Cone would require many blog posts. ;) Around 16 months ago we moved back to Iowa to live with my in-laws. We decided to come here (instead of my mom's house) because we have more room here and Michael was able to get some temp work at his home church and then a construction job.

It was devastating to leave our house. Our house was not perfect, but we loved it. We imagined raising our children in this house. We imagined that we would be in this house for years and years to come. We actually still own this house (we are renting it out), but I have been able to detach myself emotionally. It took a long time and a lot of tears were shed in the process. I remember several times as we were packing just breaking down in tears as I grieved my dream of living there.

Throughout this time Michael started applying for many jobs. He has applied for hundreds of jobs in the last year, and he would randomly get calls and interviews. I've lost track how many times he was told, "You did a really good job in the interview, we really liked you, BUT we chose to go with someone with more experience." There was always a BUT, and it hurt so much every. single. time. As someone pointed out to us (as they laughed about a silly reason why Michael didn't get a job) is that to him (looking in from the outside) God is the one saying no and closing that door.

We are very thankful that Michael's parents opened their home to us. However, I would be lying if I didn't say this has been the hardest challenge I have ever faced. Regardless of the circumstance, it is very hard to live with your parents once you have left. I believe it is even harder when children are involved. One of my spiritual gifts is hospitality. I love to host and cook for others, and I desperately desire my own kitchen. However, I have been able to do a lot of cooking here, and I'm sure it will be a challenge to cook smaller amounts of food. :)

In the midst of job applying, including getting denied a job that would have moved us to Tennessee, we found out that we were expecting. I like to call Asher our miracle baby. I don't want to go into to many personal details, but lets just say it was a miracle that sweet Asher was conceived. If I'm honest, it did take me a few weeks to fully accept my pregnancy, and then it took me another few weeks to actually get excited. When we saw our little bean moving all around in my tummy I was in love. I had a difficult beginning of my pregnancy, and I'm now able to look at it as a blessing that Michael didn't have a job during that time. There were many days I couldn't get out of bed until after 10 and I would go to be early around 8. Besides feeding Eli (who was only 6 months old) I was in bed a lot of the time. Now Asher (which means blessing/happy) is now here, and I have no doubt that God has an amazing plan for his life. He has captured my heart just like my other children, and he is the happiest and easiest baby I have ever known or heard of.

It's been a daily battle to chose joy in the midst of the storm. Some days I feel very content and hopeful over our situation. Michael would get an interview and the dreaming of our future would always begin. Then, when the "no" came the disappointment came. Many nights ended in tears and feelings of hopelessness. I questioned God. I questioned how this could possibly be God's plan for our life. I questioned if he had a plan for our lives.

At the end of April Michael was able to get a job with Hope Haven. They are an organization that provides services for adults with disabilities. They hired him to open and manage a coffee shop in the library. He was definitely qualified for the job, and we were very excited about the job offer. The only disappointing part of the job was the pay. It did not pay enough to provide for our family and so the searching continued. This job has been a huge blessing to our family. While it didn't pay the best, we believe it is all in God's plan. We were able to sell many, many items that we had left from Java Cone, eventually including the ice cream machine!

Month after month went by. We had some hopeful jobs, but none of them worked out for different reasons. I would spend many afternoons searching and applying for jobs for him. Then, at the end of October, Michael got an email from US Cellular inviting him to come for a day of open interviews. He had applied for a job with them back in March, but he got denied to someone with more experience. Since it was for a manager position he understood, and he left that situation feeling very encouraged. They made sure that he was told that he did a very good job interviewing and that he shouldn't give up. This was probably the more encouraging denial he received, if that makes sense.

We were concerned about the pay range of the job he would be applying for, so I contacted a friend from our church in KS whose husband works with US Cellular and actually moved to Iowa about the same time we did. We found out that he would be there conducting interviews that day, and he is one of the guys that actually interviewed Michael. A week and a half later Michael got a job offer that was even better than the job he interviewed for. What a blessing! It's mind blowing that Michael applied for hundreds and hundreds of jobs, yet the 2 jobs he got he didn't actually apply for either of them. They found him.

Back to Java Cone. Even though we closed our business 18 months ago, we still had unresolved issues. One being a very expensive ice cream machine. We have been trying to sell this machine for the past year with no luck. On the way back home from the interview Michael got a call for an offer on the ice cream machine for the exact amount we settled on for the ice cream machine. Coincidence? No, it's all God!

Then, to top it off, our attorney has been trying to get another debt from Java Cone settled. This has been ongoing and frustrating, since the company has done many illegal things including putting a ding on Michael's perfect credit. I guess it's still not bad, but we want it as high as possible, especially since we will be renting soon. The SAME day he spoke to our attorney about finally getting everything resolved and Michael's credit being fully restored. It's overwhelming to see God putting all the puzzle pieces together.

Now, my dream that I have been praying for since early this year is coming true! I've been praying daily that Michael would have a new job and that we would be in our own home by Christmas. I LOVE Christmas. I love sitting in our living room at night with only the lights of the Christmas tree on, Christmas music and maybe some hot chocolate. Pure contentment. I'm looking forward to many nights ending like that in December, and I can't wait to see what else God has in store for our family.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if US Cellular is the company Michael will have a long time career at. I do know, without a doubt, that we are in God's will at this very moment, and my heart is filled with joy.

Asher's Birth Story

I have felt a sense of accomplishment with several small and big things in my life. A couple big accomplishments that stick out in my mind are when I received my black belt in Tae Kwon Do and when I was able to receive my bachelor degree from MNU in 3 years. Both of those accomplishments took a lot of time and commitment, but none of those compare to the sense of accomplishment I have felt after my two natural deliveries...especially Asher's.

Asher has been the easiest newborn I have ever known. He is the happiest most content baby, and I am just in love with him. Even though I have had it "easy" since he has been born, his labor was quite the opposite.

As my second natural delivery I felt a little prepared for what I was in for. I knew the strength and determination I would need to accomplish another natural delivery. I knew that labor brings you to a new point emotionally and physically that you never knew was possible.

The two days prior to Asher's birth I had several hours of false labor. I had contractions that were around 8 minutes apart and intense enough I had to breathe through them. Then, after several hours they would just stop. This was my first experience with false labor, and it caused me to only get about 3 hours of sleep the 2 nights prior to his birth.

The night I went into actual labor I slept for about 4 hours and then woke up with contractions again. At this point I doubted that it was real based on the past 2 nights. After 4 hours of contractions consistently 6 to 8 minutes apart I woke up Michael thinking this was maybe the real thing. We decided to call my midwife, and she wanted us to come in to be monitored and checked since we live 45 minutes away from the hospital.

Around 5 in the morning we headed for the hospital. Contractions continued until we got to the hospital and then they stopped again. We went ahead and went inside. They checked me and the nurse didn't think I was in labor. She called our midwife, and our midwife wanted me to stay there until she was able to come in and check me. Throughout the next hour of waiting for our midwife I started having contractions again every 6 minutes. In the hour of waiting I dilated 2 more centimeters. She thought I was in labor, and I was admitted.   

I decided to get in the whirlpool tub to labor for a while. I was so tired from the lack of sleep and the idea of relaxing in the tub sounded great. I spent the next 4 hours in the tub with consistent contractions. I decided to get out to change it up a bit since nothing was getting more intense. I got checked and I was only dilated to a 6, which is only 2 centimeters in 4 hours. My contractions also stopped... again. I was not prepared for this at all since my entire labor with Eli was only 5 1/2 hours from my very 1st contraction.

Since it had already been over 11 hours of labor with not much progress we decided to break my water. I was nervous about where this could possibly lead if my labor decided to stop again, but since I was at a 6 we decided to take the risk.

After my water broke things started picking up fast. I quickly went to the transition phase. Everything seemed to be going normal. Intense, but normal, until my back pain started and never stopped.

Throughout labor Asher continued to change positions. He never got fully engaged until this point and unfortunately he was posterior. The intense transition contractions continued to come and go, but the pain in my tailbone never left until he turned as he came out. It got so intense that I asked for pain medicine. I knew I didn't want it, but at the time all I could think about was relief and holding my baby. My midwife and nurse knew I didn't want the pain medicine and sort of stalled until it was too late for me to get it anyways. I'm so thankful I didn't get anything! Before I knew it I felt the urge to push. I was soooooooooooo happy and relieved to have this sensation. I knew at this point it would only be moments before my sweet boy was in my arms.

Even though he was posterior I only pushed for 6 minutes. The midwife had talked to Michael prior and she let him catch the baby. This was exciting for him. It was such an emotional experience to finally get to hold my baby boy!

Since my labor was so long I had time to actually think (unlike Eli's fast labor), and as I took deep breaths to get through the contractions I was constantly visualizing and dwelling on holding my little Asher. So when the time finally came hours later it was almost surreal. I didn't want to ever let him go!

I love my sweet Asher more than words can describe. He is more than worth every pain I went through in his labor. I'm beyond thankful that God blessed us with this precious baby boy!

Overcoming Discouragement

As many know, we have had a tough couple year. We have now lived with Michael's parents for almost a full year, and unfortunately there is no end in sight. This is an extremely hard reality to face. We are very thankful for this living option and his parents opening their home to our family, but it is still less than ideal.

There are many days I crave and ache to be just with our family, to not have to wait until we're in private to discuss something with Michael, and to run the house and always do things how I would do them. This is not anyone's fault, it is simply the situation we are in, and it's just plain hard!

Both Michael and I have a lot of days where we feel positive and content with where God has us and then there are days we are just done and want to give up. Thankfully, these are usually at different times and we are able to encourage and uplift each other when needed.

Well the last couple weeks have been very emotionally difficult, and I'm sure my pregnancy hormones effects some of it (at least how much I cry). Michael's been denied more jobs we were hopeful for him to get that would provide enough for us to live on our own. Each denial gets harder and harder to accept, and I often have feelings of hopelessness of ever being on our own again.

As I was crying to Michael about a week ago about all of these difficult emotions I'm dealing with he gave me some really great advice, which has made this week more bearable. I explained to him that I'm struggling with my thoughts. I'll be OK one minute, and then the next minute I have a thought of "I want to move out so bad." or "I wan more time with just our family." "Why won't God provide a job for Michael that pays enough for us to move out?"

He encouraged me to memorize a verse that we have reminded each other of several times this past year. Philippians 4:8, "And now, dear brother and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Then, repeat the verse in my head when negative, not helpful, discouraging thoughts pop into my head.

I have been doing this and what a positive difference it has made! I still have lots of random thoughts and some days are better than others, but this new plan of how to handle the emotions actually seems possible. One thought at a time.

I have also accepted that it is OK to have bad days. It's OK to cry sometimes, and it's OK for us to have a deep desire to live on our own. However, that doesn't mean we need to dwell on the fact that we don't all day long. That isn't going to benefit anyone.

If you're struggling with your thoughts over a certain struggle I would encourage you to memorize this verse or another verse that uplifts and encourages you to spend more time dwelling on Him. After all, I truly believe and trust that His plan is perfect and His timing is not an accident. 

My Hands Are Full

Yesterday I went out with the kids in public by myself. We went to a doctor appointment for the baby, toured the birthing center at the hospital, went to lunch and picked up some stuff at Walmart before heading home. I now just expect strangers to make comments since there hasn't been one outing alone with the kids and when I'm visibly pregnant that someone hasn't made a comment. Every. Single. Time.

On the way into town yesterday I decided to count how many comments/what comments were made. Throughout our little half-day excursion we received six "Boy, your hands are full!" two "Are they all yours?" and one "Your children are just so sweet and cute." We also received lots of looks and finger pointing in between those comments as well.

I started dwelling on the number one comment made, and it made me think about a couple things. First, society has really changed in what they view as a "large" family. I know and understand that our God-given desire to have several children is not typical, and I don't expect everyone to have that same desire. However, I guess I never thought 4 children as a lot. It made me think about what is in store as we have more children.

Wasn't it just 2 generations ago that families had 4,5, 6 or more children and that was normal? It's crazy to me how quickly this norm has had a complete change in a relative quick amount of time. Just an observation.

I don't know why, but my second thought was, why are my hands all of a sudden full but weren't full when I had only 1 child? I don't remember feeling any less busy or having anymore free time when it was just Isaiah.

I'm convinced that while I might have different experiences with soon having 4 kids under 3 1/2 that someone with 1 child has their hands just as full. Weather a mom has 1 child or 10 children they are still a mom 100% of the time. They devote everything they have and all the love they have to all of their children all of the time.

So, I would say to a mom with 1, 2 or 9 children that your "hands are full." Being a mom is a lot of work, but it is also the greatest blessing I have ever had. As those in public will probably never stop making comments to our "large" family (especially as we hopefully have more children) I hope to express to the strangers I meet and to the little eyes of my babies looking at me that each and every child that God has given us is a blessing and I couldn't imagine having my "hands full" with anything else! Bless all you mama's with your "hands full!"

Healing Has Begun

This past weekend we went to the Kansas City area (our old home). It was the first time we had been there as a family since the week of Christmas. We had a great time with family and celebrating my cousin's high school graduation.

However, the week of Christmas was really hard for us. We had a lot of anxiety about being back in the area and wishing so badly that we could just go "home." It was a strange feeling, and it made us realize we still had not dealt with or healed from the emotions of losing our house. All of this happening during a week that is supposed to be a lot of fun. We felt an immense amount of pressure to just go through the motions and act happy and like everything was fine.... to be in the holiday spirit.

In reality, we didn't feel it. If we could have gone to a cabin with just our little family for the week and never leave we would have done that in a second. However, I don't think our families would have allowed that. We were blessed to have a little alone family time (which doesn't happen much at all since we live with family and are always around family). One of our friends let us stay at their house for the week, but we were still busy and expected to be everywhere all at once with a smile. We did our best to make everyone happy with how we spent our time, but I felt like I just wanted to cry all week long. Christmas is normally my favorite time of the year, and I hated feeling so down. Michael felt many of the same emotions I was feeling.

When we left I felt a little relief not being in the same area where we used to live. Well, this past weekend was different and I'm so glad! I realized we have come a long ways in letting go of what we used to have. I only felt a sense of anxiety and nervousness when I drove to the actual town we used to live in. Emotions and feelings of "I wish I was driving to our old house because it's home again." I thought about driving by our old house since I was really close to the area, but I decided I wasn't quite ready for that. I knew tears would start that I didn't want to start.

It's exciting and encouraging to me to feel like we are making progress in healing from losing our home and business. I know that we will be OK if I never step foot in our old house again. We will be OK if we end up living in Iowa, Kansas or anywhere else. We will be OK if we don't move out next week even though we desperately desire that. Our identity doesn't come from where we live, what we have or what job Michael has. We are children of God. Period.

I know we still have emotions to work through, but isn't God so good! He can heal our broken hearts, and I know we wouldn't be where we are emotionally if it wasn't for Him!

Easily Offended?

A couple years ago I really struggled with being easily offended by others and their actions. It is something I realized and knew needed to be worked on. I have noticed myself not being offended anymore from events/actions/words that would have offended me in the past, and it's awesome!

I have a feeling that I am not the only one who has struggled with this, and I think women tend to struggle with it more than men. One reason women struggle with this more than men is because we talk A LOT more than men. We've all heard the statistics regarding this. Well, when we talk a lot, we are about to hurt and offend others. "When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable," Proverbs 10:19

As I thought about what I was taking offense to I realized that it was me being selfish and others were not meaning to offend me. When my husband first lost his job several people contacted him, wrote him kind letters that they are praying for him, etc. and it hurt me.

Why would this hurt me? It hurt because I felt forgotten. I felt like I should not struggle with my emotions like I was, I should always be the strong positive one, I should support him and I should pray for him. I did my best to do all of these things, but I felt like no one cared about how I felt or the emotions I was experiencing as the wife/mom in the situation. I heard comments over and over again like “How is Michael doing? I’ve been praying for him a lot.” to many times to count. When my husband received kind letters I couldn’t even read them because all I could think about was how no one cared about ME.

Noticed how much I focused on ME in the above paragraph. We're naturally selfish beings and think about our own emotions over others. I have always had God and a loving husband with a willing ear, which is more than many people have. I started thinking about why this was affecting me so much, and I decided that I need to make a choice to change. No one else needed to change. As I think about everyone that has supported my husband it is overwhelming, and if I was in their shoes (not having gone through the same situation as us) I would have asked about the husband and not the wife. I know all of the letters, emails and calls were loving people who sincerely cared for our family. I know no one intentionally thought I should be able to handle it all without support. When I actually thought about it that way my heart started to change.

Then, I heard a sermon a while ago where a lady discussed women being easily offended, and how we need to work on it. She said,“99% of the time people do not say or do things to intentionally hurt us. Most of the time words are just words and actions are just actions, we are the ones that chose to take offense to those words and actions.” I’ve never heard it said so plainly and simply, but the more I’ve thought about it I’ve realized how true that statement is!

I know I’ve offended people of whom I had no intention of offending. It’s easy to think how someone is intentionally doing something to hurt you, but when you ponder on it you realize that they probably are just not thinking about how what they say/do could hurt you. I (and I'm sure you as well) don't sit around thinking or words to say or actions to do to hurt someone. Of course there are people that do purposefully hurt others, but it's definitely not the norm.

I think the first step to not being easily offended is to change your way of thinking. Don’t dwell of what others have done to hurt you instead…

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

I challenge you to think about anyone or anything that easily offends you and try to change your way of thinking. Think about what is pure, and not what is evil. I believe the devil tempts us to be offended. Since I have changed my way of thinking I have experienced more joy in my heart. Remember, taking offense only hurts you. It can affect every area of your live including your intimacy with God and your husband. When I am tempted to feel offended I pray that God will take those feelings away from my heart. I think about how the person was not intentionally trying to hurt me. The more I practice this the easier it seems gets.

2 Corinthians 12:10, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Colossians 3 12-14, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Struggle Series - Part 5

Read part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4.

For the first time in my entire life, I'm depressed. There, I said it. I have not told anyone, besides Michael. Well, actually, Michael told me this. He knows me better than anyone and he was concerned for me.

I always had an understanding that depression means you have bad/negative thoughts about yourself or someone else. I don't have this, so I was not willing to admit that anything was wrong. Michael asked me if I would take a depression test that he found online for free. I tested high for two different types of depression. Both of the types are most common for women. My depression is situational and I have no doubt that I can overcome it.

What does depression look like for me? The best way to describe it is that I'm really down/sad a lot (privately). This is not common for my personality. I smile a lot and don't cry much. Well, I still smile a lot (especially in front of others), but then I experience moment's of sadness that are overwhelming. I'll cry at night for no apparent reason. Michael asks me what's wrong as this is not normal and I have no answer to give. Sure, I can contribute some to pregnancy hormones, but it is more than that. I know inside it is more than that. I also have found myself trying to be by myself or exclude myself from certain people or situations. I ask if I can skip church (so not like me) or say that I'll just stay home instead of going with Michael somewhere (again, so not like me).

What am I going to do about it? Well, I'm not going to take medicine. I don't want to get into a conversation about this, but I think depression medicine is highly over prescribed like many other medicines in America. Another reason is that I'm pregnant and especially don't like to take anything when I'm pregnant. Also, I know that because it is situational that it is something I will be able to overcome with time.

I did some research on natural remedies and throughout the last month I have felt better doing. First, I take Vitamin D supplements. I live in a basement, and I know that I am deficient in Vitamin D because of this and not being outside much because of the weather. This has made a BIG difference. Women (especially) don't handle Vitamin D deficiencies well.

I feel better when I stay busy and have a schedule. We discussed ideas to help me accomplish this, and this has made the biggest difference. I have cleaning, laundry and personal devotional goals everyday.  

Third, I have drawn closer to God. I spend more time reading my Bible and part of an encouraging book daily. I keep them out and close so I see my Bible and book several times a day to remind me to take time to read. Jesus said, "Seek first my kingdom and my righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Mathew 6:33). I have also found comfort in Mathew 11:28, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Fourth, I have limited my time on the computer, and I do well most days. I started to write again (first writing this series). Writing is a good outlet for me. Like most women, I think a lot. Whenever I get my thoughts in writing I am able to release them better.

I also try hard to focus on positive thoughts and surround myself with positive people. I try to avoid conversations and people that are negative. While it used to not bother me as much I have noticed that negative comments really get to me during this time and cause me to work much harder at not feeling really down. I have been dwelling on these two verses a lot recently.

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Ephesians 4:29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Then, Michael was rejected a few jobs that I had my heart set on. This news was devastating, and I admittedly didn't handle it as I should. It was a learning time for us and our faith...

Struggle Series - Part 4

Read part 1, part 2 and part 3.

I felt a contraction for the first time ever. Yes, this was my second child to give birth to, but I never felt a contraction with Isaiah. I was induced with Isaiah and he was sunny-side up. Oh, the never ending back pain blocked out any contraction I might of had before my epidural.

I was taken back by this feeling, and Michael and I both had a laugh about the timing. My due date was in 5 days, and we had both prayed that Eli would not come until after Java Cone was closed. Well, he listened but sure didn't wait long. 5 1/2 hours later our precious little Elijah was here. It was very easy to forget about any worries in the world when I had this precious newborn in my arms. We had an amazing home birth experience, and I am beyond thankful that my labor/delivery couldn't have gone better.

We were able to escape reality for a little while but within a week we were packing up our house to move to my in-laws house. We showed the house to potential renters when Eli was just 2 weeks old, and our house was rented within a week of putting a sign in the yard (to prior Java Cone customers).

I felt throughout the next 6 weeks before we moved that we were just going through the motions. If I stopped and thought about leaving the house we loved and how the more we packed the more I felt like this was no longer our home I would lose it. Of course, I had some break downs, but for the most part we were able to hold it together. Michael has a very one-track mind, so it was his mission to get Java Cone stuff packed and done with and get the house packed. It was a blessing to him to have so much to keep him occupied.

It has now been 8 months since I have been in our house, and it's still very hard for me to think about. I don't know that I will be able to fully get past it until we have a place that we can really call home and feels like home. We have felt like we are in a constant state of visiting family, but we never have the feeling of going home or time alone with just our family. We call it home for our kids sake, but it doesn't feel like our home (as it's not and shouldn't be). We are thankful that we have family to stay with, but regardless we are living with my in-law's or visiting my mom, but we never feel like we're home (this is not our parents doing. It is their home and they should be able to make any decision regarding their home or give opinions about what we do. Just want to make that clear. We have no desire to control these houses).

 

It's very hard to trust God that this is His will for our family for a season. As someone that loves to host and takes a lot of pride in our house this has been especially hard. I do best when I go one day at a time, but there some days that are still very hard. A day doesn't go buy that I don't dream of having our own place. Michael was laughing about imagining when we do move out. Wherever we move to will most likely be really small and simple. I'll be so excited as people help us move that someone will think we won the lottery. Then, we'll get to our destination and those helping us will think, "You're excited about THIS?" Oh, yes I will be! :) I don't think anyone can truly understand the emotions and desires of living on your own until you have actually experienced it as it's 10x harder than I imagined it in my head prior to experiencing it.

About a month after moving here Michael was blessed to have a temp job doing construction work. We are incredibly thankful for this job. It was such a blessing. Michael just recently got offered a job to manage and start a coffee shop for a non-profit organization. We are very thankful for this job. While it pays well over minimum wage it still does not pay enough for us to move out and be on our own (thanks to our lovely student loans). This has been just as much of a goal as Michael finding a job, so this has been hard to accept this. While Michael has something in the meantime this job search is still not over. We both do feel, however, that God has given him this job for a reason. We're not for sure why yet (maybe just to help him get another job or maybe to sell our coffee equipment!), but the puzzle pieces for him to get this job that just fell into his lap is to much for me to believe it's just a coincidence.

It's been a trying time as we ask God, "Why?" We heard an awesome sermon late last year about peace. The pastor described peace not as an absence of anything (fear, lack of money, worry, anger, guilt, etc.). Instead, peace is the presence of Jesus. The closer we draw closer to God the more peace we will have in our lives.

Even though we know and believe God's promises, we struggle often with feeling that there is hope and to chose joy in our circumstances. Within the last couple months, after research, I was finally able to make a confession that I didn't want to make with everything in me.

Gratituesday - Marriage Seminar

This past weekend Michael and I had the opportunity to attend a marriage seminar called The Art of Marriage by Family Life. Family Life also puts on the Weekend to Remember conferences. I was a little skeptical of going. We have never been to a marriage even like this, and I've been let down by several Christian marriage books (besides the one we're currently reading called Real Marriage by Mark Driscoll!!). We've noticed a trend with Christian marriage books... its 90% opinion and maybe 5-10% Bible based. God has an amazing design for marriage presented in scripture, and I'm confident that we will be the happiest and most fulfilled in our marriage if we do things His way.

Well, I was very pleasantly surprised by the material presented in this book. It was very biblical and encouraging. It gave us several ideas on how to make our marriage stronger, more fun and more intimate. We've been through so much this past year, and well, living with your parents isn't an ideal setting to grow and strengthen a marriage (in fact it makes us feel like we have every force working against us to have a strong, healthy marriage). It has definitely been the hardest year on our marriage, but I'm so thankful that we have never doubted our commitment to each other. We know we're in this until the end, weather we like it or not. We also both have a desire to grow in our marriage, but we have struggled on how to do that recently. This is just the event that we needed, and I'm so grateful for it!

I wanted to share a quote that was shared at the seminar regarding leaving a legacy. It's from Steven J. Lawson's book The Legacy. This applies to everyone, married or not. They encouraged us to not think of ourselves by our current age. Instead, we should think of ourselves as ancestors. We don't have a choice about leaving a legacy, but we do have a choice about what legacy we will leave. It makes everything we do now have much more meaning. I desire to leave a legacy to my children about how much I loved their daddy. I desire to leave a legacy about how important God is in our lives, and everything we do with our children has meaning and will inevitably have an impact on future generations.

"Every man leaves a lasting influence that will affect future generations for centuries to come. Not all legacies are the same. What kind of legacy will you leave behind? A spiritual legacy is one that money can't buy and taxes can't take away. A spiritual legacy is passing down to the next generation what matters most"

I would definitely encourage any couple to attend a Family Life event. Our next goal is to go a Weekend to Remember conference.

 

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

Struggle Series - Part 3

Struggle Series: Part 1 and Part 2.

We had been avoiding the conversation for a while, but we knew it was time to make THE decision about Java Cone. At the time all of the bills were barely caught up with home and business, but we knew that we didn't have much time left before our funds would run out. We sat down and looked at the numbers. We realized that our sales would have to increase by at least 10-15k/month in order for us to make it.

We didn't want to sound like we were negative or not trusting God that these numbers were impossible, but at the same time we wanted to stop while we were ahead instead of risk of going really in the hole with our finances. We talked to a couple of different people before making our decision. They advised that it would be wise to get out now if it didn't look like we were going to make it.

With lots and lot of tears, we made the decision to close Java Cone. I don't think I will ever forget that day. Michael informed our families of our decision and we began to plan how the closing would go. We decided to close 9 days after our decision. We already paid rent and many monthly bills, so we decided it would be best to get the maximum amount of profit for the rest of the month. We stopped ordering food besides buns and beef. We ran out of a lot of stuff.

We told our employees and our customers of when our closing day would be. We didn't know if we should do this, since most business' will just close down without a warning. We had several new friends, and I am so thankful we told them. The final day Java Cone was open, a Saturday, was one of the highest days in sales. My sister watched the kids, and I was able to be a Java Cone most of the day. I'm glad I was able to be there to say our final goodbye's to several of our faithful customers.

We got home that night, and in a weird way, we felt a sense of relief and peace. An indescribable peace that can only come from God. Philippians 4: 6-7, "⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

We had both taken a shower and were in bed talking when, to our surprise, our lives we're about to change forever.

Cherishing Your Children

“Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? The fruit of the womb his generous legacy? Like a warrior’s fistful of arrows are the children of a vigorous youth. Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children! Your enemies don’t stand a chance against you; you’ll sweep them right off your doorstep.” Psalm 127:3-5 (The Message)

More than once in the Bible God reminds us that children are a blessing. Do you really believe it and treat them like that?

Now that we have what many people consider a "large" family (3 and a little guy on the way) I can not believe some of the comments we get. The worst being, "I feel sorry for you." Why would you feel sorry for me?? My children are the greatest blessings I have! Today's society sadly views children as a burden, something to be avoided at all cost, to not have too many of, expensive, etc. instead of the perfect blessings they are. I heard a quote, "Children are not expensive, lifestyles are." This is very true.

We also receive sweet comments from other people. One night we were eating at Wendy's and we had 4 different people come up and make the sweetest comments about our family. One lady even hugged me! It was very refreshing.

Many people are mistaken that a blessing is something that is just given to you with no responsibility. It’s actually the contrary. All of God’s blessings or gifts that he provides come with responsibility.

If God gives you the gift of singing it doesn’t mean that you don’t have to work at training your voice.

If God gives you the gift of leadership it doesn’t mean that you’ll just be put into a leadership position with no work.

The majority of people would happily accept a $1,000,000 if given to them, but that doesn’t mean they have no responsibility with that gift or don’t have work to maintain that money.

Children are the ultimate blessing God gives us. Even though it’s hard work and sometimes a little frustrating, it is important to constantly remember that our little ones are blessings from God (even those that are unplanned by us, but not my God).

I’m VERY thankful God chose me to be the mother of my sons and daughter. I pray that God will help me guide them to Christ, will give me patience and will daily remind me to enjoy our special gifts.

So, when you feel yourself getting really frustrated or stressed with the responsibility of your child/children remember that they are a blessing that God have given YOU! They are “God’s best gift.”

Cherish your blessing(s) daily and daily thank God for your blessings. Ask God for wisdom, strength, patience and guidance on how to nurture and raise those blessings for His glory.

Struggle Series - Part 2

You can read part 1 here.

It was a struggle month to month to know if we were going to have enough money to make ends meet in the business and at home. This financial burden was overwhelming. It was hard because we felt like we had no one to talk to about it, and who would want to hear about our financial struggles anyways?

Somehow, by the grace of God, we were always able to make ends meet at home and at the business. It still doesn't make sense how we were able to do this as my income (the only income) was $1500 short each month for what we needed to provide for our family and pay all the bills. Many different situations happened to help us make ends meet. We were very discouraged, but still felt that God was with us and guiding us through.

I worked until the end of April when I lost my job. My home life was beyond stressful, and my job could tell. The most stressful part (besides finances) was child care for our children. This stress well surpassed the financial stress we had. In fact, I'm having anxiety as I'm writing this. I don't know if it's a stress you can understand until you go through it. We had different family member's and friends that were watching our children, as child care was not an option financially. We were thankful for these options, but it was always a different person watching our kids everyday and most of them were not reliable.

Many, many times we would get a call or text at 10 or 11 at night saying that they could not watch our kids the next day. I missed many days of work and sometimes Michael had to quickly reschedule people at Java Cone so someone could be home with the kids. I also was always constantly worried about them. I cried a lot, and I wanted more than anything to just be able to take care of my OWN children, as God intended mommy's to do.

The stress was so high on me and Michael. Michael actually got prescribed some anxiety medicine. I never took anything because I resist taking medicine in general and because I was pregnant. I often worried that the stress would hurt the baby, which made me stress more. We also stressed about feeling judged from others not in our situation.

This was a never ending cycle that took a toll on our health, I'm sure our internal age, our marriage, our spiritual life and so much more. I always felt on edge and if one person said one thing to hurt me I would just break down and cry.

Michael and I would both be lying if we said that we didn't both felt a sense of relief when I lost my job. Yes, this made the financial burden that much more, but it took away the more intense burden of who is going to be watching our children and taking care of the house. Words can not describe how good it felt to not have to depend on anyone to care for our children, and I was able to easily keep up on house work and cook healthy meals for me and the kids. This was still a tough time, but I felt a huge cloud lifted. Michael was able to focus more on Java Cone, instead of home, and we both felt more joy in our lives.

We sure missed daddy since we usually only saw him on Sunday's and when we would go visit him everyday at Java Cone. I was now in my third trimester and thinking more and more about the new little guy about to join the family.

This was a very lonely time for me. I had the kids, but I didn't really have many friends besides them. When others are going through a struggle like we are it almost feels like we have a plague. I don't know if others just didn't know how to talk to someone going through a tough time, or if they didn't know anything free to do. It wasn't an option to go out with friends for dinner like we used to. Throughout all of these months only one of our friends invited us over for dinner. Unfortunately I probably would have acted the same way to someone prior to going through this. One of the many things I have learned through all of this is how to interact with those who are struggling. They don't want to have a pity party, they don't want to talk about their struggles, they don't want you to fix all their problems. No, they just want you to be there and be a friend. To talk about anything BUT the business. A simple, "I'm sorry you have to go through what you are going through" then dropping it is enough... at least for me.

I really had to learn to depend on God, and that my identity comes through Him. Oh, how hard this was but somehow we persevered. I kept many emotions in as I wasn't wanting a pity party and I didn't know how to really express them at the time.

Two weeks before Elijah was born Michael and I knew that we needed to have a very, very serious conversation.