Healing Has Begun

This past weekend we went to the Kansas City area (our old home). It was the first time we had been there as a family since the week of Christmas. We had a great time with family and celebrating my cousin's high school graduation.

However, the week of Christmas was really hard for us. We had a lot of anxiety about being back in the area and wishing so badly that we could just go "home." It was a strange feeling, and it made us realize we still had not dealt with or healed from the emotions of losing our house. All of this happening during a week that is supposed to be a lot of fun. We felt an immense amount of pressure to just go through the motions and act happy and like everything was fine.... to be in the holiday spirit.

In reality, we didn't feel it. If we could have gone to a cabin with just our little family for the week and never leave we would have done that in a second. However, I don't think our families would have allowed that. We were blessed to have a little alone family time (which doesn't happen much at all since we live with family and are always around family). One of our friends let us stay at their house for the week, but we were still busy and expected to be everywhere all at once with a smile. We did our best to make everyone happy with how we spent our time, but I felt like I just wanted to cry all week long. Christmas is normally my favorite time of the year, and I hated feeling so down. Michael felt many of the same emotions I was feeling.

When we left I felt a little relief not being in the same area where we used to live. Well, this past weekend was different and I'm so glad! I realized we have come a long ways in letting go of what we used to have. I only felt a sense of anxiety and nervousness when I drove to the actual town we used to live in. Emotions and feelings of "I wish I was driving to our old house because it's home again." I thought about driving by our old house since I was really close to the area, but I decided I wasn't quite ready for that. I knew tears would start that I didn't want to start.

It's exciting and encouraging to me to feel like we are making progress in healing from losing our home and business. I know that we will be OK if I never step foot in our old house again. We will be OK if we end up living in Iowa, Kansas or anywhere else. We will be OK if we don't move out next week even though we desperately desire that. Our identity doesn't come from where we live, what we have or what job Michael has. We are children of God. Period.

I know we still have emotions to work through, but isn't God so good! He can heal our broken hearts, and I know we wouldn't be where we are emotionally if it wasn't for Him!

Easily Offended?

A couple years ago I really struggled with being easily offended by others and their actions. It is something I realized and knew needed to be worked on. I have noticed myself not being offended anymore from events/actions/words that would have offended me in the past, and it's awesome!

I have a feeling that I am not the only one who has struggled with this, and I think women tend to struggle with it more than men. One reason women struggle with this more than men is because we talk A LOT more than men. We've all heard the statistics regarding this. Well, when we talk a lot, we are about to hurt and offend others. "When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable," Proverbs 10:19

As I thought about what I was taking offense to I realized that it was me being selfish and others were not meaning to offend me. When my husband first lost his job several people contacted him, wrote him kind letters that they are praying for him, etc. and it hurt me.

Why would this hurt me? It hurt because I felt forgotten. I felt like I should not struggle with my emotions like I was, I should always be the strong positive one, I should support him and I should pray for him. I did my best to do all of these things, but I felt like no one cared about how I felt or the emotions I was experiencing as the wife/mom in the situation. I heard comments over and over again like “How is Michael doing? I’ve been praying for him a lot.” to many times to count. When my husband received kind letters I couldn’t even read them because all I could think about was how no one cared about ME.

Noticed how much I focused on ME in the above paragraph. We're naturally selfish beings and think about our own emotions over others. I have always had God and a loving husband with a willing ear, which is more than many people have. I started thinking about why this was affecting me so much, and I decided that I need to make a choice to change. No one else needed to change. As I think about everyone that has supported my husband it is overwhelming, and if I was in their shoes (not having gone through the same situation as us) I would have asked about the husband and not the wife. I know all of the letters, emails and calls were loving people who sincerely cared for our family. I know no one intentionally thought I should be able to handle it all without support. When I actually thought about it that way my heart started to change.

Then, I heard a sermon a while ago where a lady discussed women being easily offended, and how we need to work on it. She said,“99% of the time people do not say or do things to intentionally hurt us. Most of the time words are just words and actions are just actions, we are the ones that chose to take offense to those words and actions.” I’ve never heard it said so plainly and simply, but the more I’ve thought about it I’ve realized how true that statement is!

I know I’ve offended people of whom I had no intention of offending. It’s easy to think how someone is intentionally doing something to hurt you, but when you ponder on it you realize that they probably are just not thinking about how what they say/do could hurt you. I (and I'm sure you as well) don't sit around thinking or words to say or actions to do to hurt someone. Of course there are people that do purposefully hurt others, but it's definitely not the norm.

I think the first step to not being easily offended is to change your way of thinking. Don’t dwell of what others have done to hurt you instead…

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things."

I challenge you to think about anyone or anything that easily offends you and try to change your way of thinking. Think about what is pure, and not what is evil. I believe the devil tempts us to be offended. Since I have changed my way of thinking I have experienced more joy in my heart. Remember, taking offense only hurts you. It can affect every area of your live including your intimacy with God and your husband. When I am tempted to feel offended I pray that God will take those feelings away from my heart. I think about how the person was not intentionally trying to hurt me. The more I practice this the easier it seems gets.

2 Corinthians 12:10, “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Colossians 3 12-14, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³ Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴ And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Struggle Series - Part 5

Read part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4.

For the first time in my entire life, I'm depressed. There, I said it. I have not told anyone, besides Michael. Well, actually, Michael told me this. He knows me better than anyone and he was concerned for me.

I always had an understanding that depression means you have bad/negative thoughts about yourself or someone else. I don't have this, so I was not willing to admit that anything was wrong. Michael asked me if I would take a depression test that he found online for free. I tested high for two different types of depression. Both of the types are most common for women. My depression is situational and I have no doubt that I can overcome it.

What does depression look like for me? The best way to describe it is that I'm really down/sad a lot (privately). This is not common for my personality. I smile a lot and don't cry much. Well, I still smile a lot (especially in front of others), but then I experience moment's of sadness that are overwhelming. I'll cry at night for no apparent reason. Michael asks me what's wrong as this is not normal and I have no answer to give. Sure, I can contribute some to pregnancy hormones, but it is more than that. I know inside it is more than that. I also have found myself trying to be by myself or exclude myself from certain people or situations. I ask if I can skip church (so not like me) or say that I'll just stay home instead of going with Michael somewhere (again, so not like me).

What am I going to do about it? Well, I'm not going to take medicine. I don't want to get into a conversation about this, but I think depression medicine is highly over prescribed like many other medicines in America. Another reason is that I'm pregnant and especially don't like to take anything when I'm pregnant. Also, I know that because it is situational that it is something I will be able to overcome with time.

I did some research on natural remedies and throughout the last month I have felt better doing. First, I take Vitamin D supplements. I live in a basement, and I know that I am deficient in Vitamin D because of this and not being outside much because of the weather. This has made a BIG difference. Women (especially) don't handle Vitamin D deficiencies well.

I feel better when I stay busy and have a schedule. We discussed ideas to help me accomplish this, and this has made the biggest difference. I have cleaning, laundry and personal devotional goals everyday.  

Third, I have drawn closer to God. I spend more time reading my Bible and part of an encouraging book daily. I keep them out and close so I see my Bible and book several times a day to remind me to take time to read. Jesus said, "Seek first my kingdom and my righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Mathew 6:33). I have also found comfort in Mathew 11:28, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Fourth, I have limited my time on the computer, and I do well most days. I started to write again (first writing this series). Writing is a good outlet for me. Like most women, I think a lot. Whenever I get my thoughts in writing I am able to release them better.

I also try hard to focus on positive thoughts and surround myself with positive people. I try to avoid conversations and people that are negative. While it used to not bother me as much I have noticed that negative comments really get to me during this time and cause me to work much harder at not feeling really down. I have been dwelling on these two verses a lot recently.

Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Ephesians 4:29, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

Then, Michael was rejected a few jobs that I had my heart set on. This news was devastating, and I admittedly didn't handle it as I should. It was a learning time for us and our faith...