Surrogate Journey - The Birth

Titus 1 Month Old

As I sit down to write I instantly have a hard time finding the right words. There have been so many times the last couple months where I can't even formulate my thoughts because the words are just not there. It's like the words to describe and explain this process do not even exist. Nevertheless, I'm going to attempt to translate this experience into words while it is still fresh in my mind.

The Birth Story

I believe Titus' birth story starts back to when I was 38 weeks pregnant. Titus dropped and I started having signs that labor was near. Ben, Micki and Olivia came to stay in town until Titus was born. They didn't want to miss anything, and I didn't want them to miss anything either. I had a lot of anxiety about my labor going too fast for them to make it. We went to my 38 week appointment and I was dilated to a 4 and 50% thinned/effaced. We were so excited and hopeful he would be here soon. However, Titus had other plans.

Mr. Titus decided he was warm and comfy in there. He was definitely not on the same time frame we

38 Weeks

were. ;) At 36 weeks we had an ultrasound, which showed that Titus was a big boy. The doctor said that if I went full-term he would be around 9lbs. He brought up inducing at 39 weeks, and I declined as I really wanted minimal interventions to reduce the likelihood of a c-section.

Our doctor did not want me to go past 41 weeks, so we agreed to an induction after the 40 week mark. Ben and Micki were so great at giving me the freedom to make this decision. Although we were all very ready, I never felt any pressure from them to induce just for convenience. This meant so much to me! They only wanted me to do what I was fully comfortable with doing.

I never thought we would make it do the induction date, but we did! Getting ready to head to the hospital to be induced was a very surreal feeling. I felt at peace with being induced and Michael kept giving me the confidence that I can do this, again. Even though this was my 4th time to give birth I was nervous about having to go through labor again. I know that it takes all the strength I have and then some, and I wasn't necessarily looking forward to that.

The doctor broke my water around 8 in the morning on June 9th. After being on the monitors for a little while I got up to start walking the halls. We walked, walked and walked some more with no contractions. At 11 we agreed to start a small dose of pitocin. I started having noticeable, timed contractions around noon. I tried sitting on a birthing ball for a while but I didn't like it. We walked the halls again and the contractions kept coming. We weren't timing them, but I could tell by the intensity that things were progressing well.

Walking the halls

The contractions were getting stronger and stronger. It seemed like each contraction was a bit harder to breath through and my walking was more like a super slow stroll. Micki never left my side, which meant so much. I don't need or want a lot of coaching as I'm breathing through contractions, but being supported and loved just by her presence was very encouraging to me.

Walking was getting to be too much so we went back to our room and I sat on the birthing ball again. After a couple of very strong contractions on the ball the nurse asked if I wanted to be checked. I agreed and got in bed around 3. I was at an 8! I was shocked and knew that if I was already at an 8 that labor would be very soon. Our nurse didn't quite believe us because she said the last phase is usually around a hour and they won't call the doctor until I'm at a 10. I don't think I said anything, but I remember thinking if he's not called until I'm at a 10 then he's going to miss it!

This is where the whole process becomes very blurry in my mind. I'm really not sure what I said, sounded like or did those last 30 minutes. The second contraction I felt after being told I was an 8, I started having the urge to push. I told the nurse and she checked me again. I went from an 8 to a 9 1/2 in 10 minutes! She finally decided it was time to call the doctor.

Sometime in the next 20 minutes precious little (or not so little) Titus was born at 3:35 pm and was 9lbs 3oz. The end is very blurry in my mind, but I remember saying to myself over and over and over again, "Lord, give me strength." Each labor I have had a different focus to get me through the hard part, but I completely believe the Lord did give me strength to get through labor and delivery. I remember getting to a point where I was done and was determined that the next contraction he would be born...and he was!

I'm so thankful for an amazing labor and delivery. It was my shortest labor and the pain was very manageable in my mind. I'm thankful to have given birth at a hospital that respected our wishes and for a very encouraging nurse that allowed me to walk the halls ev

1st time holding Titus

en after my water was broke and I had Pitocin. I'm also very thankful for another vaginal birth!

The moments after the birth I will treasure forever! Seeing the love and adoration in Ben and Micki's face of their son was priceless. THIS is the moment we have all been waiting for and the reason I decided to become a surrogate. Knowing I played a part in another perfect blessing from God entering the world gave me an overwhelming sense of achievement. The love only parents can have for their children was instant for them, and I'm so grateful I got to experience that! Titus has been such a good baby from the beginning. It's like he knew instantly who his mommy and daddy are!
 

These are two questions I have been asked over and over again.

Will you be a surrogate again? I didn't know how to answer this questions before birth, and I still don't know how to answer it. I have healed extremely well physically from birth, and I am doing amazing emotionally. I would do this again for Ben and Micki in a second, but I'm not sure if we will ever go through the agency and meet another family to do it again.

Yes, I was paid for being a surrogate. This was definitely a blessing to our family to get some student loans paid off. However, there is so much more involved than a financial gain. Money comes and goes but the love and relationships gained last a lifetime. Doing this process again would mean opening my heart at a very deep level again for another family. This is not something I did or could do just for the paycheck. I would have to feel a strong feeling to open myself up to another family before I would pursue this again. When I pursued it the 1st time I had a feeling in my heart that just wouldn't go away. I would need to have that same feeling again, and I can't know if that will happen again or not.
 

Excited to get labor going!

How did you handle "giving up" Titus? Confession time. I know anyone that has asked me this question means well, but I really can't stand when I am asked this. It rubs me the wrong way because I never "gave up" anything. Titus never has been, never was and never will be mine to give up.

I never once felt like I was leaving a part of me behind, which I am so grateful for. Throughout the whole pregnancy and since birth I have never once felt like Titus was my child or that I "gave up" something. The possible attachment I would feel was originally a fear of mine going into this process, but it has never been an issue. I have missed being pregnant at times (especially in the 1st two weeks), but I never felt or feel like Titus is a part of me. He is 100% Ben and and Micki's. I love him, but it is not the same type of love you have for your own children. The only way I have been able to describe it is that I love Titus as if he were my nephew.

Ben and Micki have been so great througout the whole process. I've always felt loved and cared for by them. Micki has told me several times she is there for me as we make this transition. I have been able to open up with whatever my emotions are with Michael and Micki, which has meant so much! Micki will send me pictures when I'm missing T-man, and they have lovingly welcomed me into their home twice since he has been born. I completely believe all the support has helped this transition go amazingly well. 

The hardest part for me emotionally in this process was when we left the hospital. It was the first moment of true separation from Titus after having the privilege to care for him for nine months. It was a very bitter sweet time for me. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy for Ben and Micki, fear of the unknown and separation, a sense of pride for what I was a part of and did, sadness that my part in the process was over and so much love in my heart for this new life God had created. I couldn't process it all so the tears just came as I held Titus one more time and said our goodbyes to Ben and Micki. There really weren't words for any of us to say in that moment to justify the process and what we had all just experienced....

a miracle!

Top 10 Questions

As we have made the news public about becoming a gestational surrogate I have received several questions. I am an open book about this and I happily answer all of the questions asked. This is becoming more common today but it is still not something everyone is exposed to, so I understand the curiosity that comes with it. I thought I would answer the top 10 questions I get asked (in no particular order).

1. Would you want to be a surrogate again in the future? As I am almost in the middle of my pregnancy a lot of the questions I get asked I just don't know how to answer yet. I haven't lived it fully to know how this will impact me. I can guess, but I don't know for sure. With that, I answer this question with an "I don't know." This process takes a lot emotionally and physically and this is with a perfectly smooth matching, IVF transfer and pregnancy thus far. Going through the 5 months of getting the application done and fully approved was in and of itself draining, so I just don't know if I would go through all of that again. I will leave that up to the Lord's leading. If Ben and Micki were to ask me to be a surrogate again for them I think that would be an easy "yes," but as far as meeting a whole different family I don't know.

2. Do you think it will be difficult to give up the baby after birth?  Well first, I don't look at it as giving something up. I am simply giving back what was never mine to begin with. I just got the honor to care for this little baby for 9 months. My hope is the Micki will be the 1st one to hold the baby. Obviously I will want some baby snuggles, but I don't think I will ever look at it as a handing off. The baby is theirs now and that won't change after birth. Honestly, there is no way I can know what my emotions will be exactly. If I feel like counseling is needed I will happily do that. I know it is important for my husband and children that I am healthy emotionally, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I am. I do expect that I will have separation anxiety the 1st couple weeks but I do believe I am strong enough to do it. The psychologist that we met with to get the final approval recommended to us that we have something to look forward to after the birth. We are planning a trip to Branson and Oklahoma City for a friends wedding about 5 weeks after the birth. I should be mostly healed physically by then and I think looking forward to something will be beneficial emotionally.

3. How will you handle bonding with the baby while you're pregnant? This pregnancy is already so different than when I was carrying my own children. Currently, I don't have that attachment that I had with my children at this point. I forget I am pregnant often because I feel so great and our family is not expecting. I don't have those dreams and thoughts like I have with my own children. I don't have thoughts about the nursery, rearranging rooms, baby names, thoughts about the gender, etc. I know Ben and Micki are feeling all of the excitement expecting parents feel, and I'm so thankful for that! There is no way to not bond with a baby moving inside your body. That time is coming soon, but I still believe it will feel different than carrying my own children. Seeing the joy and excitement this brings to Ben and Micki just melts my heart, and I don't ever doubt that this baby is already so deeply LOVED by their mommy, daddy and older sister!

4. Do you worry how your children will handle it? Both Michael and I are not concerned about this. We welcome any questions they have but there has not been any. I don't believe any questions will come until they get older and we remind them of the experience. This might not be a normal situation, but it is their normal. They take in what we say and fully understand that Michael and I are not the parents of the child growing in my tummy. We don't talk about it a ton in front of them, so it is not a huge deal to them. They love Ben, Micki and Olivia and know that this precious baby is already a part of their family. They know that this baby will never come home with us because it isn't our child or their sibling. After we told them we expected a lot of questions. Their reaction was more like, "Ok, can we go play now?" Lexie was concerned that the baby would have no clothes to wear or place to sleep. I assured her that this baby will want for nothing! Isaiah and Lexie did make a shopping list for Micki so she knows what the baby needs. ;)

5. How did you meet the parents? We went through an agency in Chicago and were matched with Ben and Micki a day after we were officially cleared to be a surrogate. We had no knowledge of each other before this. It has been fun to get to know each other and build a quick relationship. I remember the advocate I have through the agency said that these relationships are unique because "you are entering a very intimate relationship with complete strangers." A lot of barriers come down in a situation like this. They have been so sweet to us and our children!!

6. Will the parents be in the room when the baby is born? Yes. This is something that was discussed in our 1st meeting with a psychologist guiding the conversation. This is one of the topics you need to agree on before entering this type of relationship together. This is both of our desires. They want to be in the room, and I want them there to witness their child being born. Witnessing the birth of your child is indescribable and instantly bonding. I think seeing their reaction will help me emotionally. Also, I want the baby to go straight to Micki, not me. I want there to be instant separation to help me emotionally understand (even when my hormones will be going crazy) that this is in fact not my child. I'm really excited about the birth. I know it will be bittersweet for me, but that is the moment we are all waiting  and planning for!

7. Will you breastfeed? Yes and no. I would never breastfeed a child that is not mine. The bonding that comes with that is to great for me. I have agreed to pump at 1st for them. I want their baby to get all that colostrum and the great immunities that come with it. I think we agreed to 2 weeks, but I'm sure that is something we'll discuss closer to time. My hope is to commit to pump for 6 weeks and have a freezer full of milk to give my own kids in fruit smoothies for the winter sick time or to give to Asher. If it becomes to much of a burden I will stop. I'm not putting any pressure on myself in this area.

8. Will you get an epidural? This question mostly comes from people that know I had my last two births naturally. I had an epidural with my 1st and it was not a good experience. I couldn't stand or walk for several hours, and I was sooooooooo tired! I thought it was normal to be really tired after birth. I couldn't take a shower for 8 hours and I've said before that I don't ever want another epidural. After my two natural births I felt amazing afterwards! I thought I could run a marathon! Those natural endorphins are awesome. However, I don't need to have quite as much energy. After all, I won't have a newborn (yay for sleepless nights Ben and Micki ;)) to take care of and will be able to sleep at night (besides pumping). With all of that my plan is for no epidural, but I do plan to get IV pain meds to take the edge off the transition phase. The more babies I've had the more confidence I have in my body which means less pain. The last hour and half is the most intense part for me, so I'm hoping the IV meds will help with that.

9. How far away do you live from the parents? We currently (and it will be about the same when we move) live about 2 1/2 hours away. Sometimes this seems far, but then I remind myself we could have been matched with anyone in America. They base it on the personalities and desires of the couples and distance is second. I'm so thankful we live in the same state as Ben and Micki! We have seen each other several times already and Micki and I communicate often via text.

10. Is there a contract to protect you? Yes there is a contract. A very, very detailed contract at that. All the topics we had to discuss (and agree on) at our 1st meeting with a psychologist is in there. We each have an attorney to represent us and review the contract before signing. They sure don't miss anything. I think having to discuss the birth plan and then worst case scenario's really opens your eyes to the reality of this situation. While we know a contracted is needed to protect all involved I look at it as another worst case scenario. There hasn't been and don't foresee there being any issues where it would be needed, but it there. We were blessed with great parents to be matched with!! We agreed on all the big issues where it is important to be on the same page!

This process has been so amazing thus far. I have never once doubted if this is something we should have done. Well, maybe a couple times when I was so tired of receiving or giving myself the progesterone shots! ;) Just kidding, those shots were not fun but it's all over now! Ever since we met Ben and Micki I knew that this was the right fit and I was to be the one to carry their child. I completely believe this peace I've had over the last 6 months is from God. Pregnancy, especially the 1st trimester, really messes with your hormones. Even through all of that I've never doubted!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to all of our family and friends that have supported us. We have felt so much love and support about this decision!!

"Children are a blessing and a gift from the LORD." Psalm 127:3

Surrogate Journey - The beginning

The decision to become a gestational surrogate was very intense and purposeful. I remember back in high school having thoughts like, "It would be cool to be a surrogate someday and help an infertile couple bring life into the world." Of course, my thinking ended there. Well, back in October 2013 thoughts of becoming a surrogate kept popping into my mind. Since I have about a thousand thoughts a day I simply went on.

However, after it continued to randomly come up either in conversations with others, books, tv shows, etc. I thought I might actually look into it. I researched gestational surrogacy (this is much different than traditional surrogacy because the child is in no way biologically mine) and found a reputable company based out of Chicago. They work all over the world (although we were not open to international couples because we wanted a closer relationship with the parents).

Michael and I discussed this and prayed A LOT about this possibility. Every time I prayed and every time Michael and I discussed it I could visualize a couple that needed US. I imagined the perfect family with the same personal convictions that would be the perfect match for us. Every time I prayed I felt an indescribable sense of peace regarding this decision.

We proceeded to contact the agency and start the intense application process. One aspect I love about the company we chose is this part. While time consuming, I love that they take the prerequisite work very seriously. They want to make sure they match you with the perfect couple and that you are a strong enough person to go through this very emotional journey.

My biggest fear throughout this whole process has been if this would bring glory to God and what others will think (I know I shouldn't care about what others think). I asked a spiritual mentor her opinion on if this is Biblical, and she was a great support. She did research and agreed that as long as life in not compromised (no abortion or selective reduction) she thought it would be a very selfless act and bring glory to God. We also discussed this with a select few people regarding their thoughts on it and everyone has been very supportive.

From January through May we were in weekly and sometimes daily contact with the agency trying to get everything to them that they needed. In May we were finally approved and the next day we were matched! This was such an exciting day for us! I just cried reading their biography thinking that they will be the perfect match for us.

We met them for the 1st time on June 7th, 2014. This 1st meeting was very structured and with the psychologist that spent the 4 hours prior meeting with me and Michael to make sure we were psychologically healthy to enter this type of a relationship/experience (the intended parents went through the same thing at an earlier date). I was nervous about the meeting.

I was concerned that we wouldn't "click" or agree on the big deal breaker issues. The psychologist led us through a discussion on everything one could think of regarding the conception, pregnancy and birth. I felt that we were all on the same page on every single issue! This was such a relief.

After this meeting we were ready to jump all in, but again it would be more waiting. The contract had to be finished, our attorneys needed to review it and I had to go to the University of Iowa fertility clinic to get my uterus inspected, get testing done and do a mock transfer so the doctors know what to expect the day of transfer.

Going to my first appointment was an exciting day. I felt like we were actually getting somewhere. I got told I have a "beautiful uterus," which made me laugh. I have never been given so much attention from a doctor. I felt like the 2 doctors I had that day had all of the time in the world for me. They wanted to make sure every question I could possibly have was answered.

Micki (the intended mama) came to Iowa City to meet up with me. She took me out to lunch, and it was so great to start building a very intimate relationship with someone I barely know. It was nice to be able to just talk and have it not be as structured as our 1st meeting.

Within the next month we signed the final contract and were in the clear to move forward with the IVF transfer. It took a good month to prep my body for the transfer. I had a take different meds and shots. Then the transfer day finally came.

Oh, what a surreal day this was. On the way to the U of I hospital I was overwhelmed with emotion with what was about to happen. I felt peace and contentment, but I was also scared about what if's. I was scared of losing their baby that is entrusted to me in my body. I could write a whole post about the transfer experience; it was just so special! It was just me and Micki in the room, and it couldn't have gone any more perfect!

While hopeful, we were all on edge as we wait for that positive pregnancy test. It's a 10 day wait before I had an actual doctors appointment, but of course I was taking test much earlier at home. Oh I will never forget that early morning (just 5 days after the transfer) when I was standing there waiting the 2 minutes before looking at the pregnancy test and then seeing not one, but TWO lines! It was positive!!

A God of Miracles

As I think about how visible and active God has been in our lives I am speechless. I'm beyond overwhelmed by God's goodness. As you may know, my husband just accepted a position with US Cellular. What you may not know is how long we have been waiting for this. I'm going to give you a brief, raw and honest look into our lives over the last year from my perspective, and in the end I pray that all the glory goes to Him.

About 18 months ago we made the decision to close down our business, Java Cone. Our journey and experience of Java Cone would require many blog posts. ;) Around 16 months ago we moved back to Iowa to live with my in-laws. We decided to come here (instead of my mom's house) because we have more room here and Michael was able to get some temp work at his home church and then a construction job.

It was devastating to leave our house. Our house was not perfect, but we loved it. We imagined raising our children in this house. We imagined that we would be in this house for years and years to come. We actually still own this house (we are renting it out), but I have been able to detach myself emotionally. It took a long time and a lot of tears were shed in the process. I remember several times as we were packing just breaking down in tears as I grieved my dream of living there.

Throughout this time Michael started applying for many jobs. He has applied for hundreds of jobs in the last year, and he would randomly get calls and interviews. I've lost track how many times he was told, "You did a really good job in the interview, we really liked you, BUT we chose to go with someone with more experience." There was always a BUT, and it hurt so much every. single. time. As someone pointed out to us (as they laughed about a silly reason why Michael didn't get a job) is that to him (looking in from the outside) God is the one saying no and closing that door.

We are very thankful that Michael's parents opened their home to us. However, I would be lying if I didn't say this has been the hardest challenge I have ever faced. Regardless of the circumstance, it is very hard to live with your parents once you have left. I believe it is even harder when children are involved. One of my spiritual gifts is hospitality. I love to host and cook for others, and I desperately desire my own kitchen. However, I have been able to do a lot of cooking here, and I'm sure it will be a challenge to cook smaller amounts of food. :)

In the midst of job applying, including getting denied a job that would have moved us to Tennessee, we found out that we were expecting. I like to call Asher our miracle baby. I don't want to go into to many personal details, but lets just say it was a miracle that sweet Asher was conceived. If I'm honest, it did take me a few weeks to fully accept my pregnancy, and then it took me another few weeks to actually get excited. When we saw our little bean moving all around in my tummy I was in love. I had a difficult beginning of my pregnancy, and I'm now able to look at it as a blessing that Michael didn't have a job during that time. There were many days I couldn't get out of bed until after 10 and I would go to be early around 8. Besides feeding Eli (who was only 6 months old) I was in bed a lot of the time. Now Asher (which means blessing/happy) is now here, and I have no doubt that God has an amazing plan for his life. He has captured my heart just like my other children, and he is the happiest and easiest baby I have ever known or heard of.

It's been a daily battle to chose joy in the midst of the storm. Some days I feel very content and hopeful over our situation. Michael would get an interview and the dreaming of our future would always begin. Then, when the "no" came the disappointment came. Many nights ended in tears and feelings of hopelessness. I questioned God. I questioned how this could possibly be God's plan for our life. I questioned if he had a plan for our lives.

At the end of April Michael was able to get a job with Hope Haven. They are an organization that provides services for adults with disabilities. They hired him to open and manage a coffee shop in the library. He was definitely qualified for the job, and we were very excited about the job offer. The only disappointing part of the job was the pay. It did not pay enough to provide for our family and so the searching continued. This job has been a huge blessing to our family. While it didn't pay the best, we believe it is all in God's plan. We were able to sell many, many items that we had left from Java Cone, eventually including the ice cream machine!

Month after month went by. We had some hopeful jobs, but none of them worked out for different reasons. I would spend many afternoons searching and applying for jobs for him. Then, at the end of October, Michael got an email from US Cellular inviting him to come for a day of open interviews. He had applied for a job with them back in March, but he got denied to someone with more experience. Since it was for a manager position he understood, and he left that situation feeling very encouraged. They made sure that he was told that he did a very good job interviewing and that he shouldn't give up. This was probably the more encouraging denial he received, if that makes sense.

We were concerned about the pay range of the job he would be applying for, so I contacted a friend from our church in KS whose husband works with US Cellular and actually moved to Iowa about the same time we did. We found out that he would be there conducting interviews that day, and he is one of the guys that actually interviewed Michael. A week and a half later Michael got a job offer that was even better than the job he interviewed for. What a blessing! It's mind blowing that Michael applied for hundreds and hundreds of jobs, yet the 2 jobs he got he didn't actually apply for either of them. They found him.

Back to Java Cone. Even though we closed our business 18 months ago, we still had unresolved issues. One being a very expensive ice cream machine. We have been trying to sell this machine for the past year with no luck. On the way back home from the interview Michael got a call for an offer on the ice cream machine for the exact amount we settled on for the ice cream machine. Coincidence? No, it's all God!

Then, to top it off, our attorney has been trying to get another debt from Java Cone settled. This has been ongoing and frustrating, since the company has done many illegal things including putting a ding on Michael's perfect credit. I guess it's still not bad, but we want it as high as possible, especially since we will be renting soon. The SAME day he spoke to our attorney about finally getting everything resolved and Michael's credit being fully restored. It's overwhelming to see God putting all the puzzle pieces together.

Now, my dream that I have been praying for since early this year is coming true! I've been praying daily that Michael would have a new job and that we would be in our own home by Christmas. I LOVE Christmas. I love sitting in our living room at night with only the lights of the Christmas tree on, Christmas music and maybe some hot chocolate. Pure contentment. I'm looking forward to many nights ending like that in December, and I can't wait to see what else God has in store for our family.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if US Cellular is the company Michael will have a long time career at. I do know, without a doubt, that we are in God's will at this very moment, and my heart is filled with joy.

Asher's Birth Story

I have felt a sense of accomplishment with several small and big things in my life. A couple big accomplishments that stick out in my mind are when I received my black belt in Tae Kwon Do and when I was able to receive my bachelor degree from MNU in 3 years. Both of those accomplishments took a lot of time and commitment, but none of those compare to the sense of accomplishment I have felt after my two natural deliveries...especially Asher's.

Asher has been the easiest newborn I have ever known. He is the happiest most content baby, and I am just in love with him. Even though I have had it "easy" since he has been born, his labor was quite the opposite.

As my second natural delivery I felt a little prepared for what I was in for. I knew the strength and determination I would need to accomplish another natural delivery. I knew that labor brings you to a new point emotionally and physically that you never knew was possible.

The two days prior to Asher's birth I had several hours of false labor. I had contractions that were around 8 minutes apart and intense enough I had to breathe through them. Then, after several hours they would just stop. This was my first experience with false labor, and it caused me to only get about 3 hours of sleep the 2 nights prior to his birth.

The night I went into actual labor I slept for about 4 hours and then woke up with contractions again. At this point I doubted that it was real based on the past 2 nights. After 4 hours of contractions consistently 6 to 8 minutes apart I woke up Michael thinking this was maybe the real thing. We decided to call my midwife, and she wanted us to come in to be monitored and checked since we live 45 minutes away from the hospital.

Around 5 in the morning we headed for the hospital. Contractions continued until we got to the hospital and then they stopped again. We went ahead and went inside. They checked me and the nurse didn't think I was in labor. She called our midwife, and our midwife wanted me to stay there until she was able to come in and check me. Throughout the next hour of waiting for our midwife I started having contractions again every 6 minutes. In the hour of waiting I dilated 2 more centimeters. She thought I was in labor, and I was admitted.   

I decided to get in the whirlpool tub to labor for a while. I was so tired from the lack of sleep and the idea of relaxing in the tub sounded great. I spent the next 4 hours in the tub with consistent contractions. I decided to get out to change it up a bit since nothing was getting more intense. I got checked and I was only dilated to a 6, which is only 2 centimeters in 4 hours. My contractions also stopped... again. I was not prepared for this at all since my entire labor with Eli was only 5 1/2 hours from my very 1st contraction.

Since it had already been over 11 hours of labor with not much progress we decided to break my water. I was nervous about where this could possibly lead if my labor decided to stop again, but since I was at a 6 we decided to take the risk.

After my water broke things started picking up fast. I quickly went to the transition phase. Everything seemed to be going normal. Intense, but normal, until my back pain started and never stopped.

Throughout labor Asher continued to change positions. He never got fully engaged until this point and unfortunately he was posterior. The intense transition contractions continued to come and go, but the pain in my tailbone never left until he turned as he came out. It got so intense that I asked for pain medicine. I knew I didn't want it, but at the time all I could think about was relief and holding my baby. My midwife and nurse knew I didn't want the pain medicine and sort of stalled until it was too late for me to get it anyways. I'm so thankful I didn't get anything! Before I knew it I felt the urge to push. I was soooooooooooo happy and relieved to have this sensation. I knew at this point it would only be moments before my sweet boy was in my arms.

Even though he was posterior I only pushed for 6 minutes. The midwife had talked to Michael prior and she let him catch the baby. This was exciting for him. It was such an emotional experience to finally get to hold my baby boy!

Since my labor was so long I had time to actually think (unlike Eli's fast labor), and as I took deep breaths to get through the contractions I was constantly visualizing and dwelling on holding my little Asher. So when the time finally came hours later it was almost surreal. I didn't want to ever let him go!

I love my sweet Asher more than words can describe. He is more than worth every pain I went through in his labor. I'm beyond thankful that God blessed us with this precious baby boy!

Overcoming Discouragement

As many know, we have had a tough couple year. We have now lived with Michael's parents for almost a full year, and unfortunately there is no end in sight. This is an extremely hard reality to face. We are very thankful for this living option and his parents opening their home to our family, but it is still less than ideal.

There are many days I crave and ache to be just with our family, to not have to wait until we're in private to discuss something with Michael, and to run the house and always do things how I would do them. This is not anyone's fault, it is simply the situation we are in, and it's just plain hard!

Both Michael and I have a lot of days where we feel positive and content with where God has us and then there are days we are just done and want to give up. Thankfully, these are usually at different times and we are able to encourage and uplift each other when needed.

Well the last couple weeks have been very emotionally difficult, and I'm sure my pregnancy hormones effects some of it (at least how much I cry). Michael's been denied more jobs we were hopeful for him to get that would provide enough for us to live on our own. Each denial gets harder and harder to accept, and I often have feelings of hopelessness of ever being on our own again.

As I was crying to Michael about a week ago about all of these difficult emotions I'm dealing with he gave me some really great advice, which has made this week more bearable. I explained to him that I'm struggling with my thoughts. I'll be OK one minute, and then the next minute I have a thought of "I want to move out so bad." or "I wan more time with just our family." "Why won't God provide a job for Michael that pays enough for us to move out?"

He encouraged me to memorize a verse that we have reminded each other of several times this past year. Philippians 4:8, "And now, dear brother and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Then, repeat the verse in my head when negative, not helpful, discouraging thoughts pop into my head.

I have been doing this and what a positive difference it has made! I still have lots of random thoughts and some days are better than others, but this new plan of how to handle the emotions actually seems possible. One thought at a time.

I have also accepted that it is OK to have bad days. It's OK to cry sometimes, and it's OK for us to have a deep desire to live on our own. However, that doesn't mean we need to dwell on the fact that we don't all day long. That isn't going to benefit anyone.

If you're struggling with your thoughts over a certain struggle I would encourage you to memorize this verse or another verse that uplifts and encourages you to spend more time dwelling on Him. After all, I truly believe and trust that His plan is perfect and His timing is not an accident. 

My Hands Are Full

Yesterday I went out with the kids in public by myself. We went to a doctor appointment for the baby, toured the birthing center at the hospital, went to lunch and picked up some stuff at Walmart before heading home. I now just expect strangers to make comments since there hasn't been one outing alone with the kids and when I'm visibly pregnant that someone hasn't made a comment. Every. Single. Time.

On the way into town yesterday I decided to count how many comments/what comments were made. Throughout our little half-day excursion we received six "Boy, your hands are full!" two "Are they all yours?" and one "Your children are just so sweet and cute." We also received lots of looks and finger pointing in between those comments as well.

I started dwelling on the number one comment made, and it made me think about a couple things. First, society has really changed in what they view as a "large" family. I know and understand that our God-given desire to have several children is not typical, and I don't expect everyone to have that same desire. However, I guess I never thought 4 children as a lot. It made me think about what is in store as we have more children.

Wasn't it just 2 generations ago that families had 4,5, 6 or more children and that was normal? It's crazy to me how quickly this norm has had a complete change in a relative quick amount of time. Just an observation.

I don't know why, but my second thought was, why are my hands all of a sudden full but weren't full when I had only 1 child? I don't remember feeling any less busy or having anymore free time when it was just Isaiah.

I'm convinced that while I might have different experiences with soon having 4 kids under 3 1/2 that someone with 1 child has their hands just as full. Weather a mom has 1 child or 10 children they are still a mom 100% of the time. They devote everything they have and all the love they have to all of their children all of the time.

So, I would say to a mom with 1, 2 or 9 children that your "hands are full." Being a mom is a lot of work, but it is also the greatest blessing I have ever had. As those in public will probably never stop making comments to our "large" family (especially as we hopefully have more children) I hope to express to the strangers I meet and to the little eyes of my babies looking at me that each and every child that God has given us is a blessing and I couldn't imagine having my "hands full" with anything else! Bless all you mama's with your "hands full!"