Top 10 Questions

As we have made the news public about becoming a gestational surrogate I have received several questions. I am an open book about this and I happily answer all of the questions asked. This is becoming more common today but it is still not something everyone is exposed to, so I understand the curiosity that comes with it. I thought I would answer the top 10 questions I get asked (in no particular order).

1. Would you want to be a surrogate again in the future? As I am almost in the middle of my pregnancy a lot of the questions I get asked I just don't know how to answer yet. I haven't lived it fully to know how this will impact me. I can guess, but I don't know for sure. With that, I answer this question with an "I don't know." This process takes a lot emotionally and physically and this is with a perfectly smooth matching, IVF transfer and pregnancy thus far. Going through the 5 months of getting the application done and fully approved was in and of itself draining, so I just don't know if I would go through all of that again. I will leave that up to the Lord's leading. If Ben and Micki were to ask me to be a surrogate again for them I think that would be an easy "yes," but as far as meeting a whole different family I don't know.

2. Do you think it will be difficult to give up the baby after birth?  Well first, I don't look at it as giving something up. I am simply giving back what was never mine to begin with. I just got the honor to care for this little baby for 9 months. My hope is the Micki will be the 1st one to hold the baby. Obviously I will want some baby snuggles, but I don't think I will ever look at it as a handing off. The baby is theirs now and that won't change after birth. Honestly, there is no way I can know what my emotions will be exactly. If I feel like counseling is needed I will happily do that. I know it is important for my husband and children that I am healthy emotionally, and I will do whatever it takes to make sure I am. I do expect that I will have separation anxiety the 1st couple weeks but I do believe I am strong enough to do it. The psychologist that we met with to get the final approval recommended to us that we have something to look forward to after the birth. We are planning a trip to Branson and Oklahoma City for a friends wedding about 5 weeks after the birth. I should be mostly healed physically by then and I think looking forward to something will be beneficial emotionally.

3. How will you handle bonding with the baby while you're pregnant? This pregnancy is already so different than when I was carrying my own children. Currently, I don't have that attachment that I had with my children at this point. I forget I am pregnant often because I feel so great and our family is not expecting. I don't have those dreams and thoughts like I have with my own children. I don't have thoughts about the nursery, rearranging rooms, baby names, thoughts about the gender, etc. I know Ben and Micki are feeling all of the excitement expecting parents feel, and I'm so thankful for that! There is no way to not bond with a baby moving inside your body. That time is coming soon, but I still believe it will feel different than carrying my own children. Seeing the joy and excitement this brings to Ben and Micki just melts my heart, and I don't ever doubt that this baby is already so deeply LOVED by their mommy, daddy and older sister!

4. Do you worry how your children will handle it? Both Michael and I are not concerned about this. We welcome any questions they have but there has not been any. I don't believe any questions will come until they get older and we remind them of the experience. This might not be a normal situation, but it is their normal. They take in what we say and fully understand that Michael and I are not the parents of the child growing in my tummy. We don't talk about it a ton in front of them, so it is not a huge deal to them. They love Ben, Micki and Olivia and know that this precious baby is already a part of their family. They know that this baby will never come home with us because it isn't our child or their sibling. After we told them we expected a lot of questions. Their reaction was more like, "Ok, can we go play now?" Lexie was concerned that the baby would have no clothes to wear or place to sleep. I assured her that this baby will want for nothing! Isaiah and Lexie did make a shopping list for Micki so she knows what the baby needs. ;)

5. How did you meet the parents? We went through an agency in Chicago and were matched with Ben and Micki a day after we were officially cleared to be a surrogate. We had no knowledge of each other before this. It has been fun to get to know each other and build a quick relationship. I remember the advocate I have through the agency said that these relationships are unique because "you are entering a very intimate relationship with complete strangers." A lot of barriers come down in a situation like this. They have been so sweet to us and our children!!

6. Will the parents be in the room when the baby is born? Yes. This is something that was discussed in our 1st meeting with a psychologist guiding the conversation. This is one of the topics you need to agree on before entering this type of relationship together. This is both of our desires. They want to be in the room, and I want them there to witness their child being born. Witnessing the birth of your child is indescribable and instantly bonding. I think seeing their reaction will help me emotionally. Also, I want the baby to go straight to Micki, not me. I want there to be instant separation to help me emotionally understand (even when my hormones will be going crazy) that this is in fact not my child. I'm really excited about the birth. I know it will be bittersweet for me, but that is the moment we are all waiting  and planning for!

7. Will you breastfeed? Yes and no. I would never breastfeed a child that is not mine. The bonding that comes with that is to great for me. I have agreed to pump at 1st for them. I want their baby to get all that colostrum and the great immunities that come with it. I think we agreed to 2 weeks, but I'm sure that is something we'll discuss closer to time. My hope is to commit to pump for 6 weeks and have a freezer full of milk to give my own kids in fruit smoothies for the winter sick time or to give to Asher. If it becomes to much of a burden I will stop. I'm not putting any pressure on myself in this area.

8. Will you get an epidural? This question mostly comes from people that know I had my last two births naturally. I had an epidural with my 1st and it was not a good experience. I couldn't stand or walk for several hours, and I was sooooooooo tired! I thought it was normal to be really tired after birth. I couldn't take a shower for 8 hours and I've said before that I don't ever want another epidural. After my two natural births I felt amazing afterwards! I thought I could run a marathon! Those natural endorphins are awesome. However, I don't need to have quite as much energy. After all, I won't have a newborn (yay for sleepless nights Ben and Micki ;)) to take care of and will be able to sleep at night (besides pumping). With all of that my plan is for no epidural, but I do plan to get IV pain meds to take the edge off the transition phase. The more babies I've had the more confidence I have in my body which means less pain. The last hour and half is the most intense part for me, so I'm hoping the IV meds will help with that.

9. How far away do you live from the parents? We currently (and it will be about the same when we move) live about 2 1/2 hours away. Sometimes this seems far, but then I remind myself we could have been matched with anyone in America. They base it on the personalities and desires of the couples and distance is second. I'm so thankful we live in the same state as Ben and Micki! We have seen each other several times already and Micki and I communicate often via text.

10. Is there a contract to protect you? Yes there is a contract. A very, very detailed contract at that. All the topics we had to discuss (and agree on) at our 1st meeting with a psychologist is in there. We each have an attorney to represent us and review the contract before signing. They sure don't miss anything. I think having to discuss the birth plan and then worst case scenario's really opens your eyes to the reality of this situation. While we know a contracted is needed to protect all involved I look at it as another worst case scenario. There hasn't been and don't foresee there being any issues where it would be needed, but it there. We were blessed with great parents to be matched with!! We agreed on all the big issues where it is important to be on the same page!

This process has been so amazing thus far. I have never once doubted if this is something we should have done. Well, maybe a couple times when I was so tired of receiving or giving myself the progesterone shots! ;) Just kidding, those shots were not fun but it's all over now! Ever since we met Ben and Micki I knew that this was the right fit and I was to be the one to carry their child. I completely believe this peace I've had over the last 6 months is from God. Pregnancy, especially the 1st trimester, really messes with your hormones. Even through all of that I've never doubted!

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to all of our family and friends that have supported us. We have felt so much love and support about this decision!!

"Children are a blessing and a gift from the LORD." Psalm 127:3

Surrogate Journey - The beginning

The decision to become a gestational surrogate was very intense and purposeful. I remember back in high school having thoughts like, "It would be cool to be a surrogate someday and help an infertile couple bring life into the world." Of course, my thinking ended there. Well, back in October 2013 thoughts of becoming a surrogate kept popping into my mind. Since I have about a thousand thoughts a day I simply went on.

However, after it continued to randomly come up either in conversations with others, books, tv shows, etc. I thought I might actually look into it. I researched gestational surrogacy (this is much different than traditional surrogacy because the child is in no way biologically mine) and found a reputable company based out of Chicago. They work all over the world (although we were not open to international couples because we wanted a closer relationship with the parents).

Michael and I discussed this and prayed A LOT about this possibility. Every time I prayed and every time Michael and I discussed it I could visualize a couple that needed US. I imagined the perfect family with the same personal convictions that would be the perfect match for us. Every time I prayed I felt an indescribable sense of peace regarding this decision.

We proceeded to contact the agency and start the intense application process. One aspect I love about the company we chose is this part. While time consuming, I love that they take the prerequisite work very seriously. They want to make sure they match you with the perfect couple and that you are a strong enough person to go through this very emotional journey.

My biggest fear throughout this whole process has been if this would bring glory to God and what others will think (I know I shouldn't care about what others think). I asked a spiritual mentor her opinion on if this is Biblical, and she was a great support. She did research and agreed that as long as life in not compromised (no abortion or selective reduction) she thought it would be a very selfless act and bring glory to God. We also discussed this with a select few people regarding their thoughts on it and everyone has been very supportive.

From January through May we were in weekly and sometimes daily contact with the agency trying to get everything to them that they needed. In May we were finally approved and the next day we were matched! This was such an exciting day for us! I just cried reading their biography thinking that they will be the perfect match for us.

We met them for the 1st time on June 7th, 2014. This 1st meeting was very structured and with the psychologist that spent the 4 hours prior meeting with me and Michael to make sure we were psychologically healthy to enter this type of a relationship/experience (the intended parents went through the same thing at an earlier date). I was nervous about the meeting.

I was concerned that we wouldn't "click" or agree on the big deal breaker issues. The psychologist led us through a discussion on everything one could think of regarding the conception, pregnancy and birth. I felt that we were all on the same page on every single issue! This was such a relief.

After this meeting we were ready to jump all in, but again it would be more waiting. The contract had to be finished, our attorneys needed to review it and I had to go to the University of Iowa fertility clinic to get my uterus inspected, get testing done and do a mock transfer so the doctors know what to expect the day of transfer.

Going to my first appointment was an exciting day. I felt like we were actually getting somewhere. I got told I have a "beautiful uterus," which made me laugh. I have never been given so much attention from a doctor. I felt like the 2 doctors I had that day had all of the time in the world for me. They wanted to make sure every question I could possibly have was answered.

Micki (the intended mama) came to Iowa City to meet up with me. She took me out to lunch, and it was so great to start building a very intimate relationship with someone I barely know. It was nice to be able to just talk and have it not be as structured as our 1st meeting.

Within the next month we signed the final contract and were in the clear to move forward with the IVF transfer. It took a good month to prep my body for the transfer. I had a take different meds and shots. Then the transfer day finally came.

Oh, what a surreal day this was. On the way to the U of I hospital I was overwhelmed with emotion with what was about to happen. I felt peace and contentment, but I was also scared about what if's. I was scared of losing their baby that is entrusted to me in my body. I could write a whole post about the transfer experience; it was just so special! It was just me and Micki in the room, and it couldn't have gone any more perfect!

While hopeful, we were all on edge as we wait for that positive pregnancy test. It's a 10 day wait before I had an actual doctors appointment, but of course I was taking test much earlier at home. Oh I will never forget that early morning (just 5 days after the transfer) when I was standing there waiting the 2 minutes before looking at the pregnancy test and then seeing not one, but TWO lines! It was positive!!